Monday, March 5, 2012

Sometimes it Hurts Too Much

My little girl is home from school today.  The girl with whom she’s had a toxic friendship for some time, and with whom we tried to cool things off, is the reason she is home.  She just couldn’t take going to school and being around this kid.  She wouldn’t go to Sunday School yesterday because of her.  She doesn’t want to ever go back to youth group because of her.  When she walked into church, the girl looked at her in disgust and said, "tsk ugh."  As The Princess walked out of the sanctuary with our family, this girl turned away and whispered and giggled to another girl who quickly looked our way, then looked back and giggled louder.  It breaks my heart.

The Princess is desperate to be accepted.  I am desperate to help her.  Short of following her around school, I don't know what else to do.  I know middle school is hell.  I also know it’s more hellish now than it ever was when I was a kid.  It’s even harder for The Princess because of all the rejection and abandonment issues she’s had to face from her past.  She is a strong kid, don’t get me wrong.  She’s usually happy, too.  But, I’ve never seen her depressed until this one girl game into her life.  It doesn’t help that her parents cannot see their girl is also a hurt child, and that she DOES, in fact, lie to them about what’s happened.  They just told her to be "blunt" with the Princess.  Well, "blunt" was very hurtful.  They have no idea how far they've set this child back in healing.  All I can do is press on and try to protect my girl the best I can.

There are things I want The Princess to learn.  Most importantly, I want her to learn to NEVER beg for a friendship, especially from someone who sees “blunt” as an opportunity to be abusive.  She will never learn the difference between the two if she seeks out those kinds of "friends."  I want her to learn to love.  This is the teaching I find in our bible.  I don't find anywhere where we're supposed to tell our kids to "be blunt," especially if we're not giving them specific and loving guidance on the words to use.  I do not want her to learn to perpetuate abuse.  I also want her to learn that one other person’s opinion of her does not define her.  Not everyone will like us in this world.  And we will not always like the way another person behaves in this world.  For those who choose not to like us, we simply have to accept their choice and move on.  It's about them; it's not about us.  The Princess is a great kid and has far more people who love her than do not.

As for holding hurts, I want her to learn to let go of them as well.  I don't want her to hurt someone when she's been hurt.  We all make mistakes.

 I also want her to learn that people still have free will.  Some will never see the wrong they’ve done, nor ask forgiveness for it.  When that happens, all we can do is “let go and let God.” It's okay to question it, and struggle with it, but we cannot let it change us or make us bitter. 

Another thing I want my daughter to learn is to be genuine – to be free to be who she is without all the man-made masks people wear.  I don’t want her to put on fake smiles and “act” Christian.  I want her to be REAL, and to love people for who they are, where they are, even when they make a mistake, especially when they are repentant and apologize.  I want her to recognize hurting people and embrace them, rather than shun them.  I want her to be open and unafraid.  I don't want her to be guarded so much that she thinks she needs to protect herself from those who love her.  I want her to have friends that can take her love, but also recognize when she needs it, too and give some in return.    

It’s a life-long process, I suppose. 

I love this little girl so much.

So, we’re home today.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  For now we wait.  We're on our own little mother-daughter retreat.  

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

--Romans 12:12


Courtney said...

I'm so glad you're willing to let her stay home. I think allowing her to do that lets her see that home is always a safe place to retreat to when we are hurt. And for our kids, that is oh-so-important. I do recognize that you don't want her to learn to hole away from her problems, but right now she needs to heal. Even soldiers are pulled from the battlefield to heal.

Anonymous said...

I read a devotional by John Ortberg to my hurting one yesterday based on Isaiah 40: 30 and 31. He talks about the 3 methods birds use to fly- flapping (constant, ungraceful,clumsy, but effective motion), gliding ( a buildup of speed and then working off of that momentum. It is effortless for a time, then falls victim to gravity!) and soaring ( only strong birds like eagles can soar to great heights without effort usint streams of thermal air currents). Sometimes we are using one of these methods to wait on the Lord, and sometimes all we can do is walk and not faint! God bless your baby girl!