Four or five years ago, I was in a discussion with some
other adoptive moms who were gung-ho about a parenting method for traumatized
kids written by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post called Beyond Consequences, Logic
& Control. Frankly, I had some
problems with this theory from the get-go.
I come from an academic background.
I like peer-reviewed research and outcomes based practices. Since the book was based on a limited
practice and had no peer-reviewed research to back it up, I was skeptical
before I ever read it. As I read it, I
wondered how any parenting method that placed consequences for behavior on the back burner could properly serve any child, let alone a traumatized child, who would eventually need to live in “the real world,” where
there were definite consequences for certain behaviors. It just seemed “off” somehow to me.
Over time, Heather Forbes separated her practice and her
writing (BCLC II has Heather’s name only on the cover) from Bryan Post. Bryan Post faced legal issues with the
Oklahoma State Board of Licensed Social Workers for referring to himself as “Dr.”
Post. BCLC Volume I even has his name with a “Ph.D.”
following. However, Post got his “doctorate”
degree from a bogus (and now defunct) diploma mill called “Columbus University” (not to be
confused with the Ivy League school, Columbia University in New York City where
my own hubby earned a legitimate M.B.A., with honors, after a couple of years
of full-time studies, hard work, and a rigorous admissions process to get into the
school in the first place). I became
even more jaded about BCLC at the time because I despise deceit and I saw Post
as someone trying to boost his income and credibility with unsuspecting parents
with an incredible and bogus degree.
Still, when Forbes came out with BCLC II, I bought it and read it. She seemed genuine and her ideas seemed like
some that could stand up to the test of peer review should she choose to take
that route. Plus, I’d already put into
practice some of the trauma parenting methods incorporated into BCLC that were
also being used by other, peer-reviewed practitioners like Dr. Bruce Perry and
Dr. Dan Hughes. But I have always felt
the need for our kids to learn consequences and logic and to feel safe because
they knew their parents were indeed in control.
I cannot do justice to Heather Forbes’ work in one brief blog post. I would encourage my readers to check out her book, Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control II. I believe Heather has a true heart for helping other adoptive parents and that she “gets” how hard raising a traumatized child can be. She’s been through all the ups and downs with her own child. However, if I’ve learned anything over the last 7+ years of this journey (pre-adoption through today), I’ve learned that no one method, no one person, no one theory will serve as a one-size-fits-all therapeutic parenting path.
I believe our traumatized kids do indeed need to learn to feel safe. Sometimes, that means ignoring a behavior in the moment and focusing on the fear behind the behavior. But sometimes --- maybe most of the time --- our kids NEED to deal with even immediate consequences and they need to be dealt with logically. I think this is especially important as our kids get older. You just don’t have the time to mess around with a traumatized 17 year old that you do with a 7 year old, for example. You need to make connection, but you need to be firm and teach boundaries, as I wrote about yesterday, and the logical consequences life will deal out when boundaries are ignored. This is where I wish more adoptive parents would learn the parenting techniques of Dr. Michael Popkin and “Active Parenting Now!” This is the program I teach in our county jail to parent inmates who will gain custody of their children again after they’ve served their sentences. Like I said above, though, I don’t believe it is a be-all-end-all or a one-size-fits-all parenting program. It’s a tool like anything else. There are things we can learn from it and things that incorporate techniques many of us already have learned from more well-known sources like Perry and Hughes.
I cannot do justice to Heather Forbes’ work in one brief blog post. I would encourage my readers to check out her book, Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control II. I believe Heather has a true heart for helping other adoptive parents and that she “gets” how hard raising a traumatized child can be. She’s been through all the ups and downs with her own child. However, if I’ve learned anything over the last 7+ years of this journey (pre-adoption through today), I’ve learned that no one method, no one person, no one theory will serve as a one-size-fits-all therapeutic parenting path.
I believe our traumatized kids do indeed need to learn to feel safe. Sometimes, that means ignoring a behavior in the moment and focusing on the fear behind the behavior. But sometimes --- maybe most of the time --- our kids NEED to deal with even immediate consequences and they need to be dealt with logically. I think this is especially important as our kids get older. You just don’t have the time to mess around with a traumatized 17 year old that you do with a 7 year old, for example. You need to make connection, but you need to be firm and teach boundaries, as I wrote about yesterday, and the logical consequences life will deal out when boundaries are ignored. This is where I wish more adoptive parents would learn the parenting techniques of Dr. Michael Popkin and “Active Parenting Now!” This is the program I teach in our county jail to parent inmates who will gain custody of their children again after they’ve served their sentences. Like I said above, though, I don’t believe it is a be-all-end-all or a one-size-fits-all parenting program. It’s a tool like anything else. There are things we can learn from it and things that incorporate techniques many of us already have learned from more well-known sources like Perry and Hughes.
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| Dr. Michael Popkin |
Popkin’s FLAC method works more for me than the BCLC method. Modifying this approach to suit my
personality as well as the needs of my kids has worked for us. The BCLC method seemed more like coddling to
me and it got us “stuck” when I tried to ignore consequences and logic too much
in a heart-felt effort to work on the connection of attachment. What I found was my kids NEEDED immediate consequences
and logic in order to feel SAFE. (Do not confuse this with the "Love and Logic" program. It is quite different. Logic there is more like saying, "Too bad; so sad. What are you going to do about that." And consequences are not connected to the behavior. For example, L&L gives an example where a kid sneaks out of the house and the parent doesn't deal with the danger of that, they give a 'consequence' of picking up dog poop and mowing the yard with a nebulous time for completion. That is NOT what Active Parenting Now! teaches.)
Our kids needed boundaries and when they went outside those boundaries, they needed quick, firm and logical consequences from me in response. When I realized how important it was to control the size of their worlds, depending upon their abilities at the time, we made progress.
Our kids needed boundaries and when they went outside those boundaries, they needed quick, firm and logical consequences from me in response. When I realized how important it was to control the size of their worlds, depending upon their abilities at the time, we made progress.
The basics of FLAC are this:
F – Feelings: As a
parent, you identify your child/teen’s feelings and you validate them. It does not mean you AGREE with them. You simply validate the feeling and identify
it – something I found very important to do for my traumatized kiddos who could
not identify the feelings behind their behavior. When triggered, they still have a hard time
doing that.
L – Limits: Parents set the limits. Kids can have input, especially as they get older and become more able to handle themselves and certain situations, but PARENTS set the limits. Parents set the boundaries.
L – Limits: Parents set the limits. Kids can have input, especially as they get older and become more able to handle themselves and certain situations, but PARENTS set the limits. Parents set the boundaries.
A – Alternatives:
Parents guide kids to come up with alternatives for achieving their
goals within the boundaries or LIMITS already set. Parents are authoritative, but working on
alternatives allows the family to avoid becoming authoritarian, which leads to
conflicts and head-butting that keeps everyone stuck.
C – Consequences: All behavior has consequences. No matter what we do or what we say, there is a consequence. Hopefully, most consequences are positive. I’m thirsty. My behavior is I get a glass of water. The consequence is that my thirst is quenched. Children learn the world works in a logical manner (at least most of the time) and there are indeed consequences to behavior. These are not ignored. The world doesn’t work beyond them.
Active Parenting Now! helps parents teach children responsibility. Responsibility expands as the child/teen matures.
C – Consequences: All behavior has consequences. No matter what we do or what we say, there is a consequence. Hopefully, most consequences are positive. I’m thirsty. My behavior is I get a glass of water. The consequence is that my thirst is quenched. Children learn the world works in a logical manner (at least most of the time) and there are indeed consequences to behavior. These are not ignored. The world doesn’t work beyond them.
Active Parenting Now! helps parents teach children responsibility. Responsibility expands as the child/teen matures.
R = C + C
Responsibility = Choices + Consequences
Parents learn to help their child “own the problem.” However, parents also learn when a problem is
primarily the parent’s responsibility and the parent needs to make choices with
positive consequences.
Please know I receive no royalties or financial compensation
(other than teaching fees when I facilitate a course) from Dr. Popkin or the
Active Parenting Now! company. I
encourage my readers to learn more, though.
You can visit the APN website at www.activeparentingnow.com. You can find links for classes near you or
purchase the parenting guide there. You
can also find a brochure with the basics of the FLAC method HERE. Dr. Popkin also has a biblically-based add-on
available to accompany the APN program.
