We are making choices for change in our household. Some of those changes are forced upon us and
we don’t like them. They hurt. Some of those changes are a result of getting
ourselves into situations where we could hurt someone else, as well as be
hurt. Most of the changes have come from
a sweet surrender, very connected to our faith, and our belief about the
way God heals our family – how he
refines gold. If you’re just coming to
the blog for the first time, this is an on-going theme for me these last
several days. The unexplainable
JOY that has settled upon my soul in
this full release cannot be explained in words.
There is relief, but it is not simply relief. There is release, though it is not just
release. There is forgiveness from the
One who matters most and there is unimaginable love for those who’ve harmed us,
and continue to harm us, but those circumstances do not matter. Again, it’s hard to explain. Truth remains and some of that truth is uncomfortable. Bitterness is gone in this household, at
least. The only word I have for it is “joy.”
As I wrote last time, Youngest Son has been doing very well
these last several months. Last year at
this time, things were hard. We were just
getting into what would be a very difficult time of him going through a period
of stealing, lying, shutting down, and being hateful. At the time, a friend said some hard things
to me, and I wasn’t ready to hear them.
Over time, God worked on my heart to understand the hurt that my son had
endured and how it had changed his brain – for life. No praying, pleading or begging to God was
going to change that. God had another
plan. It was not that He COULDN’T change
it, but He doesn’t work that way, and I was slow to learn it. The damage done to my son was not going to
heal in the way I wanted it to heal.
Instead, God would lead us both to an acceptance of what is, what happened
to him, and that he wasn’t the “same,” nor would he ever BE “the same” as my typical
children. Still, Youngest Son was his
own unique, awesome, amazing kid. He was
a survivor. He’s a smart kid and he’d
learned to survive. Since he was so
smart, he could also learn to thrive. He
could heal THIS way – because God was in the business of refining gold!
We did more than two years of attachment therapy, and
therapy that combined techniques from well-known adoption therapists such as
Heather Forbes (Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control), Daniel Hughes, Becky
Bailey, and others. We used what worked
for us. Not everything from every well-known
clinician did work, but we used the things that helped us develop a
connection. Physical punishment never
made a connection. Time in (even if I was tired and didn’t want to do
it), made the connection. (That’s not to say that time outs did not
have their place, too. They still
do. I’m the one who needs them most
often, so I don’t end up letting ALL my buttons get pushed and wind up doing
something ineffective or harmful).
Validating my kids’ feelings worked.
Telling them to just “stop,” or just “obey,” or just “get over it,” only
aggravated the situation. They couldn’t JUST stop or obey, they had to have
their feelings validated – even named for them because they could not name them
alone. They were too developmentally
delayed emotionally to do so. Natural
consequences worked (still do). Restitution worked, though it was hard. Punishment only made matters worse. It did not mean the same to my hurt children
that it meant to my older, well-attached, biological children. It felt like rejection. Rejection meant using survival skills. Survival skills were meant to build walls and
stop more pain for the child, but they ended up causing more pain for all of us. We still don’t have all this figured out or
completely mastered, but after nearly four years in therapy, we’ve gotten a
pretty good handle on a lot of it, most of the time. I wish I’d had it more figured out at one
year, or even two years home. We could
have been that much further along. – Ah, but I guess we’ve all learned at the
rate we CAN learn.
After Youngest Son went through all those things, we decided
it was time to be more directive with him in therapy and in our parenting. Our therapist was using Dialectical Behavior
Therapy (DBT) with teens and adults, and we decided to give it a go with
Youngest Son, even though it would be flexible when/if his needs changed. This therapy technique was originally developed
by Dr. Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. (1993) and was initially used to help people with
borderline personality disorder. People
with BPD usually struggle with other problems, not unlike the challenges our
older adoptive kids face including complex trauma, anxiety, hyper-vigilance,
depression, self-harm behaviors, out-of-control emotions (“big feelings” like
rages), even substance abuse and suicide attempts.
When the brain is changed by trauma (read more about
childhood trauma and the young brain
HERE), it becomes hard-wired in a way that
it processes emotions and events differently than the typical brain. When something happens that triggers the
brain back to that traumatic event, whether it is conscious or not in the person
experiencing the trauma, the individual responds in reflex. It is truly a reflex reaction. DBT helps the person and his caregivers
validate that reflex and those big feelings, and accept them. When the person and his caregivers have
learned to accept that past trauma, and that there is a profound difference in
the way that person’s brain will always process triggers, then the healing can
begin – the gold can be refined. The
older child can begin to use cognition of the triggers to gain control over
behavior – even learning to be happy!
Our son has worked this year on being mindful of the things
that trigger him. He is working on
interpersonal effectiveness by learning to respectfully and properly ask for
the things he wants, accept when the answer is no (without TOO much begging and
bargaining – he is, after all, still 16), and even accept correction when his
behavior warrants it! For example,
yesterday after church, the kids were in the back seat of the car, bickering
and just being plain nasty to one another.
Exasperated, I said, “Can’t you guys take ONE 10 minute car ride and
THINK about treating the other person they way you’d like to be treated? Can’t you TRY to be kind?” Youngest son said, “Yes Ma’am. Sorry.”
(I nearly had a heart attack.) The Princess said, “But he started it!” (Yeah,
we’ll keep working with her.) This
example shows that Youngest Son has made great strides in regulating his
emotions so that a trigger does not turn into a full-blown shut down (or rage). By being more aware of the triggers, and
accepting of an awareness of who he is,
he is increasing his tolerance of the things that stress him.
In DBT therapy, the
therapist is “in charge.” It is more directive. It is not so open-ended.
The three
fundamentals of DBT are 1) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy where the teen
learns NEW behaviors – behaviors that show him that life is WORTH living; 2)
Validation (Acceptance) where the teen is taught by the therapist to accept
their differences, to use cognitive behavioral strategies and also to accept
and validate new skills and behaviors learned.
[Note: this is a VERY
simplified explanation. For more detail,
see the links posted below.]; and 3) Dialectics which teaches us that
everything is connected to everything else (everyone is connected to everyone
else), change is constant and inevitable, and with work, we can take even
opposite thoughts, feelings, and perceptions and form a closer approximation to
what is true and move forward.
A big challenge for hurt kids is getting “unstuck” from the
age, stage, and developmental process the child was in when the trauma
occurred. When triggered, a child will
revert to that age and stage and be unaware he’s done so. This is why our kids will behave much younger
than their chronological age when they are triggered. DBT helps get them “unstuck” from those rigid
ways of thinking, because it accepts those rigid thoughts, and allows for another arrow to shoot off into a more healthy direction. It is accepting that life gave you lemons and
trading those lemons for limes to make limeade.
The goals of DBT are to instill a closely-held belief that
life is worth living, and that a good life now
is not dependent upon having had a good life all along. To do this, DBT organizes treatment into four
stages:
1. Gaining
control of one’s behavior by reducing and then eliminating life-threatening thoughts
and behaviors, and by eliminating behaviors that interfere with treatment. (For
Youngest Son, this was “controlled” by him with shutting down and refusing to
participate in treatment. When we
because very firm and directive with him, he complied.)
2.
Moving from being shut down to being able to
experience and express emotions. By
shutting down, they may think they have control, but they are taught instead
that their traumatized brain has them in a state of “quiet desperation.” Here the therapist and his caregivers become
very directive so that the client experiences all of his emotions and is able
to label them without shutting down.
This is the hard part. In letting
the emotion out, the client also then needs to learn to not allow those
emotions to take over.
3.
Making it through ordinary life – working on
ordinary life problems, rehearsing how to behave, what to say, how to do
it. THIS is what enabled my son to say, “Yes,
Ma’am” on Sunday. He had to be taught –
firmly – how to do that. Eventually,
just yesterday, he was able to do it on his own.
4.
Moving from feeling incomplete and like
something is missing to connection and completeness is something we are still
in process for with Youngest Son. For
him, that connection began last summer when he made a real commitment to a
Christian faith. For other teens, it may
be something different. I happen to
believe God makes the biggest difference in a refined gold healing.
Just as therapists are directive in DBT, parents must be
keenly involved. As parents, we must
experience this therapy for ourselves.
As our kids go through these stages, we can, too – if we’re willing – if
we’re not afraid to let go.
Personally, I’ve equated it to being like Jonah. I was called to Ninevah, but went running my
own way and ended up in the belly of a stinky ol’ fish. I’ve been spit out. We’re heading to Ninevah where we belonged in
the first place. Our gold is being
refined. (Okay, so that’s not a mixed
metaphor, but is there such thing as a mixed “biblephor?” Eh, it works, don’t you think?)
I’m proud of my girl.
She’s working. It’s hard. She’s not always conscious of what she’s
doing or how she’s behaving, but she wants to be. She responds well when she’s approached in a
manner that displays teaching rather than irritation or condemnation. She just wants the freedom to be who she
is, but she needs to learn the tools to help her mature and navigate the
world. Today, she was willing to start
working on that again.
