TMT Answers a Reader Question on “Borrowing”

“Dear TMT - I am wondering if you have any advice to give about dealing with one of our children who "borrows" things from siblings without asking.  The siblings are really becoming annoyed because the "taker" does not share her own things but feels that everyone should share with her.  We have talked about how she would not like it, how it is wrong, and she grudgingly admits this, but does not change behavior.   All four of our children were adopted at the same time, and are chronologically right on top of each other.   We have tried to use something "important" to the taker as the consequence for this behavior, but have not come up with anything that seems to work.  Hoping for any wisdom or insight you might have.   Many thanks, Sandy”

Wow Sandy, that’s rough.  We’ve been through some of that kind of thing around here.  You might want to read some of my earlier posts on stealing and lying.  We stopped allowing anyone to call taking someone else's property without permission  “borrowing” and called it what it was – stealing.  If you or I “borrowed” our next door neighbor’s car without asking them, and without them giving us permission to do so, they would have every right to report us to the police for grand theft auto – whether we returned the vehicle or not.  So, my first suggestion (since you asked – wink, wink) is to call the action what it is.  Your daughter is stealing.

As therapeutic parents, our first and foremost act of love, including discipline as love, is to CONNECT.  (See yesterday’s post on Dr. Michael Popkin’s FLAC method of dealing with behavior issues.)  Our traumatized kids often feel as though they are missing out somehow – on something.  My daughter, when she is dysregulated will tell us we do not love her because we have not given her some of the possessions her older brothers have.  Youngest Son went through some of the same kind of crud last year.  He was stealing iPods, his adult brother’s external hard drive, computer equipment, wires out of drawers in my office, flash drives, and pretty much anything else he thought he could use to rig up his hidden computer lab – while also stealing internet connection from a neighbor that used our street name as their network password.  (Youngest Son is quite cleaver.)

It was really, really hard.  I wanted to whomp him upside the head, but he needed connection.  He needed to feel safe, no matter what, before I could ever teach him anything, and before he could ever understand the restitution and restoration he had to do to make things right in the community and in our home. 

Some people teach parents of traumatized kids to hide any anger from their child while reassuring them they are loved.  After all, it is about them and not about us.  Ehh, I'm not so hip on that -- not in all cases, anyhow.

I don’t know how old your children are.  Mine were nine and 12 years old when they came home.  They are 13 and 16 now.  Their birthdays are in the summer, so they’ll be 14 and 17 all too soon for my liking.  Our fifth year anniversary home will be in August 2012.  

With Youngest Son, I felt as though I didn’t have a whole lot of time left to teach him that stealing was not only wrong, but that it could land him in heaps of trouble.  So while I reassured him I loved him no matter what – that he was my son no matter what, his behavior was not something I loved.  In fact, I hated it.  I would not accept it.  It embarrassed me and made me quite angry.  I would not allow him to continue on that path by “fixing” things for him and letting him be the victim, or the "poor little orphan boy who didn't know better."

When I found he'd stolen the iPods, he returned them to authority figures in the places he “found” them.  (He has never yet admitted to stealing them, but we still call it what it is.  He didn’t “find” them.)  We involved the school police officer in one case.  Youngest Son got a lecture about jail, and I told him I would not bail him out if he got arrested.  I meant it.  I still do.  As for the internet usage, I marched him across the street and had him tell the neighbor they needed to change their password to something a lot less easy to guess.  His relationship with his older brother suffered for quite a while.  This adult son is my most easy-going of the older children, but even easy-going people don’t like to have their stuff taken.  Thankfully, Youngest Son got it - eventually.  We didn’t let it go.  We talked about it again and again.  We took opportunity to discuss it when we saw "stupid criminals" on the evening news or when some other kid got in trouble at school.  We talked about choices.  We talked about consequences.  We talked about the real world – and that people in the world were not going to give him the benefit of the doubt he'd gotten in the past in therapy and at home.  We talked about how he’d missed out on a lot of things,that he could not live as “the victim” all his life and enjoy the success he wanted and have the THINGS he wanted.  We talked about responsibility and how freedom and “big kid” stuff like electronics come with maturity and respect for oneself and others.  Again, it wasn’t easy.  There were a lot of days I thought he’d end up in jail sooner or later.  

Today, I took him driving downtown for the first time.  He has his learner's permit.  He’s had a great school year.  He’s matured.  He’s straightened up his act.  He’s been responsible and has shown genuine care for others, their belongings, and their feelings.  He’s ready for big kid stuff because he’s grown up and has proven he is ready for them.

What we did with Youngest Son is not what a lot of therapeutic parents would tell most other parents to do.  Some kids with more severe RAD issues may not respond to the way we handled things as Youngest Son did.  However, if your child is older – a teenager who needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions, perhaps, then my biggest suggestion would be to stop allowing her actions to be called “borrowing.”  She is stealing her siblings’ belongings.  Connect with her.  Tell her you can see by her actions she is feeling like she needs a better connection to you, or her siblings, and that you want to be that connection for her – material items won’t fill that need.

Figure out a way to limit her exposure to her siblings belongs.  Place limits on EVERYONE so that the entire amily understands what belongings are special things that should not be touched by anyone else.  Be clear about your expectations.  What can your family tolerate?  What limits do you want?  What limits can you live with?  If she steals someone else’s mp3 player, for example, can you live with stripping her room of all electronics?  Can you limit electronics (or whatever it is she keeps taking) to use only in common areas of the home, such as the family room?  (We don’t allow computers in bedrooms, for example – not even the parents have a computer in the bedroom.)

Come up with some alternatives as a family.  Are there some belongings the siblings CAN share?  Are there some personal items that are okay to use, even if someone isn’t around to ask or grant permission for their use?  If I want to spiral curl my hair and my sister owns a flat iron that she keeps in the bathroom that we share, is it okay for me to use that flat iron without asking her first?

Discuss consequences BEFORE the next temptation to steal.  Logically, I would think that would include returning the item, giving some kind of service to the person who was wronged, and paying for any time or costs involved in making things right.  Talk about how the other person feels and what they would like to see happen for restitution for taking the item, and most importantly, what is needed for restoration of the relationship.  The problem should be owned by the person who broke the relationship to begin with, but the one who was hurt needs to be willing to reconcile for restoration of the relationship to begin.  The person who is repentant can be completely remorseful, even do everything biblically required of them to restore the relationship, but if the other person is unwilling to move forward, to forgive and to love, then no one is going to heal.

Our pastor talked about justification and redemption this morning.  He gave an example of the story of the prodigal son.  When that young man returned home, his father did not say, “You wronged me.  You did me harm.”  He accepted the son’s apology and welcomed him home with open arms.  He even threw a party.

Celebrate when she “gets it.”  It’s a big deal.  Teach the other kids to celebrate her successes, but not to minimize her actions or accept unacceptable behavior.

I hope that helps you.  If you want to add more detail below about the ages of your children, please do.  I hope it is okay with you that I copied your comment and pasted it above as a new blog post.  I ask my readers to not include our family’s names in comments if they know who we are.  I want to be as open as possible to help my readers as I help myself sort through things when I write.  Thanks for understanding.  Just call me “TMT.”  

  

Dear Teacher: About My Child in Your Classroom

Dear Teacher,

Thank you for your willingness to spend your days inside a classroom with two to three dozen energetic children.  You must certainly be an exceptional person.  While each of your students is exceptional as well, a child who has suffered from significant, complex past traumatic stress (C-PTSD) and reactive attachment disorder issues (RAD) is enrolled in your class this year.  This child is indeed “exceptional.”

Children suffering from C-PTSD and RAD, or “RADish” issues, can come from various walks of life and live in different family structures.  My child was adopted in 2007 at the age of 12.  Until his adoption, my son lived in an orphanage for special needs children located in a former Soviet state.  His birth country is now its own independent and proud nation, but its child welfare system is still much as it was decades ago throughout Eastern Europe.  Specific details of my son’s story are private, but in order for you to understand what this child has been through, there are some specific things you need to know.  These things are to be discussed only with me, or with professionals you work with at school, and on a confidential basis only.  These things are never to be discussed in the classroom.  There is never a need to announce to your class that my child was adopted.  (Yes, there are teachers who’ve made that mistake.)  Don’t do it.  Not ever.  It’s common knowledge for many, but it is not a topic for classroom discussion.

In the orphanage, my son slept in a room with a few dozen other boys ages 7 to 16.  He saw things that boys do who are unsupervised during much of their time.  These things would put children into rehab programs for child predators here in the states.  Some of those things he may have seen – he probably did see – they may have happened to him, too.  We will never know the full story.  Our son was abused and neglected by orphanage workers.  He had belongings stolen from him.  He stole (and sometimes still steals) things, too.  He learned to lie and to act as well as any award winning movie actor.  He was beat often by both adults and other children.  The scars you see on his body were not put there because of normal childhood accidents.  Those scars are from things that happened to him both in the orphanage and in his first family, years before we ever knew him.

My son may seem pretty “normal” to you most of the time.  He wants very much to “just be normal.”  The fact is, the trauma of his past and the abuse and neglect he suffered during the first 12 years of his life have altered the way he thinks and the way he functions in the world.  These are not things that are healed with time or love.  C-PTSD and RAD are not curable.  They are not miracles just waiting for God to heal.  They are life-long challenges for which my son needs to learn skills in order to navigate this life and be productive in society.  He has the potential to lead a life far different than the life he knew as a young child, but please understand his brain is FOREVER changed because of those early years.

The Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children (www.ATTACh.org) defines attachment as a “reciprocal process by which an emotional connection develops between a baby and its parent.”  Attachment influences the child’s physical, neurological, cognitive, and psychological development.  It is the foundation of the development of basic trust and shapes how the child relates to the world, how he learns, and how he forms relationships throughout life.

When a child’s needs are not met, or if his needs are only met on a sporadic basis, his brain is forever changed.  He operates from a systemic need to fight or flee.  Fear and shame are his base emotions.  Survival is his base motivation.  He must gain control.  Otherwise, he feels, quite literally, like he will die.  This is the nuts and bolts of C-PTSD and RAD.

His reactions can appear in several ways.  Unless you know what to look for, you might even miss a reaction to something that has triggered his trauma and caused him to go into that “flight or fight” mode.  Kids who deal with C-PTSD and RAD are often either very inhibited (withdrawn, passive/aggressive, sneaky) or very dis-inhibited (hyper-active, talkative/argumentative, superficially charming).  And sometimes, a kid who is usually inhibited, can display himself as very disinhibited, or visa versa.

You can read about things to look for in traumatized and attachment disordered children at this blog post:  If It Walks Like a Duck

You probably learned in your Child Psychology class in college that babies learn to regulate themselves emotionally and behaviorally in the arms of loving parents.  When a baby cries, the attentive parent soothes the child through rocking, feeding, singing, touching, and lovingly gazing into that baby’s eyes.  This helps the child learn to self-sooth in an emotionally healthy way and to cope with strong emotions such as rage.  Children who are not held or comforted when distressed learn to self-sooth in other ways, some of them very destructive.  Rage is not something that they can cope with easily and for this reason, many children with RAD or C-PTSD have difficulty regulating their emotions and behavior.  They’ve learned to survive.  Some of the behaviors they employ to survive do not serve them well in society or at school.  However, hurt kids are not “bad.”  They are not acting out because they are “spoiled.” 

Another thing to understand as my child’s teacher is this:  I did not cause this hurt for my children.  My children came to me deeply hurt.  I need to parent my hurt children with methods that are very different than the traditional parenting methods I used to raise four healthy, well-adjusted and productive biological sons.  I am not coddling my hurt children.  I am not spoiling them.  They are not “getting away with murder.”  Any behaviors you see or report you may hear (true or false), you would see or hear no matter in what good family my child was placed.  My child is a resilient survivor.  His survivor instinct is well-ingrained into his very psyche and he continues to use strategies that enabled him to cope through multiple traumatic events including his mother’s abuse and prostitution, his father’s neglect and suicide, his parents’ and extended family’s drinking, and his placement into a very corrupt and abusive orphanage system.  There is no glossing over the trauma of his past.  I will not make it “pretty” to protect you because it will serve neither you nor him to do so.  Please don’t pity my child.  Understand he’s been through much more than we will ever fully imagine.  But, his survival strategies are no longer effective.  We are working hard as a family, together with our child’s therapist and other support services, to help our child learn how to have his best life now that he is safe.  We also need your help and cooperation.

I am one of those parents that teachers are always saying they wished there were more of, but then complain about as “helicopter parents” soon after.  It is true that I am intensely involved in my child’s therapy and healing.  My child is not – cannot – be parented by the traditional parenting methods that helped me before I adopted.  I have spent a graduate degree’s worth of time researching, learning, writing about, counseling, teaching, and practicing methods to help my child and other hurt children.  I am not naïve.  I know what you have to deal with in the classroom every single day.  I’ve been there.  I know now, however, I am not meant to be in a classroom every day.  But I also know my child is not your only student.  In fact, I know on average, you have five attachment disordered and traumatized children in your class, though you may not be fully aware of it, as they may be undiagnosed.  Helping a child who has suffered the kind of trauma my child has suffered is hard.  REALLY hard.  It’s hard as his teacher.  It’s many times more hard as his parent.

There are some VERY IMPORTANT things you can remember to do in your classroom in order to help my child:

1.  Remain calm.  Even when you feel like letting my child really have “it,” stay calm.  A child who manages to upset or anger you is in control of the situation.  Model and verbalize desired behaviors:  calm voice, open and relaxed arms and stance, attentive eye contact, friendly face.

2.       Stay in contact with us – the child’s parents/family.  We are excellent sources of information about our children’s strengths and current challenges.  Many of us are very well educated and can provide you with resources that will help you better understand our children, as well as other children with traumatic backgrounds.  And this is really IMPORTANT:  Remember children with RADish issues often attempt to maintain control by creating chaos with triangulation.  “Crazy” is what feels “normal” to them.  Triangulating all individuals – especially the adults – is a favored way to create chaos.  (For example a child trying to triangulate adults may tell his teacher, “My mom said I didn’t need to do my homework at all.” Or “My mom wouldn’t let me study for the test; she was too busy making me clean the bathroom/give her a backrub/cook her dinner/pick up dog poop in the yard.”)  CHECK WITH the child’s parents, other educators, youth ministers, coaches, etc. before believing what a traumatized child says.  Maintain a respectful and professional relationship with the child.  Remember you are not their primary caregiver.  Parents are to be where the child receives hugs, cuddles, food, and treats.  Don’t buy into the “poor me” or “poor orphan” mentality.

3.  Traditional methods of discipline do not work for traumatized children.  Avoid the use of punishment as a negative motivator for the behavior you’d like to see.  It produces resentment, retaliation, or retreat into sneakiness.  A week of missed recess or a missed activity is meaningless in terms of changing behavior.  It will escalate.  Make consequences natural results of choices.  STAY CALM.  Do not raise your voice.  Say, “Oh, how sad for you that you’ve not done your work on time.  You’re lucky to have an awesome teacher who will give you the chance to practice these skills while the rest of the class is doing computer time.”

4.      Avoid those behavior management plans that everyone at NEA tells you to use.  They’re based on consistency, and that makes them easy targets for manipulation for kids with C-PTSD and RADish behaviors.  These plans also let students know just how much you value certain behaviors.  My hurt kids love to “question” (a.k.a. ARGUE) and get into useless discussions about valued behaviors and rules.  It’s not that they don’t need to know the rules.  They do!  It’s just that children with RAD have difficulty figuring out cause and effect.  Remember, they need to feel in control in order to feel safe.  The “rewards” of behavior management plans (candy, prizes, etc.) mean little to attachment disordered kids.  In fact, little gifts and prizes that are often part of behavior management plans can set them off into really crazy triggers their parents wind up having to deal with at home later.  You may never see it, but your actions caused it.  So don’t go with this old standard when it comes to hurt kids.  It’s harmful, not helpful.

5.      Provide natural consequences the first time.  Do not give the child a second chance.  Keep consequences as logical outcomes to the behavior, but ensure the child “makes things right” the first time.  Otherwise, you give the message that the behavior is “okay.”  (Also, never say, “It’s okay” when it’s not.)  Attachment disordered children are black and white thinkers.  Second chances and warnings are perceived as threats and will force hurt kids into that fight or flight mode of thinking.

6.      Establish eye contact.  Attachment disordered kids – especially those who display inhibited attachment disorder – dissociate from others and from situations when they feel threatened.  Keep them in the here and now – in the moment.  Remind them they are safe.  Say it out loud to them!  “You are safe.  You are not going to be hurt.  You are in Mrs. Smith’s classroom and we work together here.”  Remember to stay calm.  Be matter-of-fact even as you are firm.

7.      Ask “what” questions such as “What are you feeling?”  or “What happened?”  Avoid “why” questions.  Our hurt children mean it when they say, “I don’t know” in answer to a why question.  Why questions are fruitless.  Ignore obvious lies in the heat of the moment.  Remember the child is in survival mode and confronting the lie will only escalate the situation.  If the child is unable to tell you what happened, give yourself and the child a “time in” where the child stays nearby until he is ready to talk.  Do not shame the child with a “time out.”  This will send him further into withdrawal and reinforce the feelings of neglect and worthlessness so ingrained in him due to early neglect and abuse.

8.      Use actions.  Not so much words.  If a child continually tips his chair, remove it.  Let him sit on the floor.  If a child refuses to wear a jacket, don’t force the issue.  Let them experience the natural consequence of being cold.

9.      Use one-liners when you do need to use words.  They make kids think, instead of tuning you out.  They place responsibility on the child.  They let the child know you will not be provoked and are effective tools for you to use to avoid power struggles and additional trauma triggers.  The fewer the words, the better.  Remember to use a CALM, matter-of-fact voice.  Sarcasm and anger counteract the good one-liner.  Some of my favorites:

a.       “Sucks for you.”  (Probably not appropriate in the classroom, but you can modify it.  Besides, I was going for the laugh.  Did you laugh?)

b.       “Bummer, Dude.”

c.      “What do you think about that?”

d.      “What are you going to do about that?”

e.      “How are you going to handle that?”

f.       “How would you handle that next time?”

g.      “Hmm, and how did that work for you?”

h.      “Thanks for your honesty.”

i.       “I respect you and myself too much to argue with you.”

j.       If he/she whines, “Why?”  Say, “If you don’t figure it out by [time], I’ll explain it to you.”

k.      “I listen to one person at a time. . . Thanks.”

l.       “I’ll be glad to listen when your voice is as soft and as calm as mine.”

m.    When a child tells you that “you never do” or that “you don’t do” like another teacher say, “That’s right!”

n.      When the child tries to argue say, “I know.”  (Student:  Math rots!  Teacher:  I know.)

o.     When a student degrades himself and says, “I can’t do this.” Or “I’m too stupid,” you say, “Aren’t you glad I don’t believe that.”  Then walk away.

For more information about post-institutionalized children, RAD, and C-PTSD visit websites such as www.ATTACh.org, www.bgcenter.com, and www.beyondconsequences.com.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have about older child adoption, international adoption, post-institutionalized children, post traumatic stress disorder or attachment disorder.  I look forward to partnering with you this year so that my child learns all he can in your classroom.

Sincerely,

Your Student’s Parent

Lying, and Stealing, and Tears! Oh my!

Stealing and lying are not uncommon occurrences for kids who were adopted, especially for kids adopted out of orphanages.  Oh, how shocked and upset I was the first time I “caught” my son with stolen property!  Actually, I should have had an inkling I would deal with stealing (and the lying that follows) at some point.  After all, my daughter was caught stealing a pack of gum by our missionary friend when we were shopping together during our adoption.  I’m not exactly sure why I was shocked when it happened here at home with my son, too.  I knew it was quite common for orphans (and former orphans) to steal and lie.  They had to be resourceful.  It was often a matter of life and death.  I guess I wasn’t prepared.  Our kids were home more than three years and I was gobsmacked.  I thought we were not going to have any of “those” problems.  I hadn’t caught either of them blatantly stealing something since that one day in the market during their adoption.  Then, all of a sudden, we were dealing with the theft of not just one expensive electronic device, but several.  On top of that, our son even figured out how to steal bandwidth from the neighbor by hacking into their (poorly) secured wireless internet connection.

Strangely -- and I’m not saying this happened easily, nor quickly -- I began to look at the positive in all this. 

HUH?  What’s positive about a kid stealing and then lying his BRAINS out after the fact?  Even telling “crazy lies” about the most obvious of things? 

Okay, I hear you.  Remember, I was right there!  But take a breath and think about it.  What is GOOD about a kid that knows how to steal and how to make up stories?  They certainly are resourceful!  They certainly know how to assess a situation and figure out where all the players are located at any given time and in any given scenario.  They absolutely know where the things they want to steal, as well as the things they have already stolen, are located.  No lost or misplaced items on that account!  They also know how to distract other people and how to manipulate them to their advantage.  When I thought about the skill involved in knowing how to do all these things, I started to think about how we could apply those skills to things our son could use as assets.  I don’t have a lot of time left with him.  He’s getting older.  He’s going to need a job in the not-too-distant future.

A kid that is aware of his surroundings is a good person to have around when you’re a middle-aged mom who often forgets where she put her keys or her cell phone.  A kid that always knows where the important things are located can find just about anything that’s “hidden” or “lost.”  A kid who knows how to play up a situation, or work things to an advantage, can develop the skills necessary to become a used car salesman or even a politician!  (Don’t laugh.  The world would be a vastly different place without politics and cars.)

The thing I’ve learned about my PTSD/RADish IA kids is they just don’t learn from words.  Lectures about what’s right and wrong don’t change their behavior.  Tears shed by them after being caught are much more about shame (a HUGE issue for most IA kids) and about, “dang, I got caught!” feelings, than they are about remorse.  And don’t even tell me “‘home-grown’ kids sometimes steal, too.”  (I know.  I did.  I stole a little toy from a store near my house when I was a kid.  My mom made me take it back and pay for it.  I remember it like it was yesterday.)   It’s not the same.  The motivation is different.  The aftermath is for sure different.

All internationally –adopted kids from orphanages know property is a collective commodity.  There are no personal possessions in an orphanage.  Everything belongs to everybody.  “Taking” something doesn’t mean the same thing as “stealing” it to our kids.  Additionally, because our kids had no personal property, it is hard for them to fully grasp – even years home – the concept of ownership.  Entitlement is the concept they know, and the one that builds to epic proportions once they’re home in America and have “stuff.”  Just going into Wal-mart or Target can be a completly overwhelming experience.  Put yourself in their shoes.  What is it like to go from nothing to virtually EVERYTHING?  Imagine getting by on a $30,000/year income and winning a power ball lottery.  Why are people in that situation, broke and worse off than they ever were within just a few years?

When your internationally-adopted child steals, try to stay calm.  (Don’t go ballistic like I did.)  They are going to be stressed.  You are going to be stressed.  It won’t matter if it’s a pack of gum or an iPod Touch (or two iPod Touches, computer components, and the neighbor’s internet connection).  It’s about their response to stress.  Lectures aren’t going to change the behavior.  They’re just going to become even more “resourceful” the next time.  (The chance that there will be a next time is higher than the chance this is a one-time thing.)  Shame sure isn’t going to change the behavior.  The lies will just get more elaborate.

Another thing to think about is when our kids steal, they are self-soothing.  They are taking control to meet whatever need it is they think they have, whether that need is to be the electronic king at the middle school, or a baby who needs the oral stimulation of sucking (sweet mother’s milk).  (This is a topic for another post, but my kids often ask for a piece of sucking candy or gum when they are stressed.  The sweetness and the sucking sensation are soothing to them.  They are getting something they got far too little of as babies.)

So, what do we do?  Ever work with 2-year-olds?  You do things over and over and over again. 

Our kids need matter-of-fact, natural consequences – over and over and over again.  Remember the years of abuse and neglect have wired their brains so differently than those of us raised in relatively happy homes.  If your child steals a pack of gum, think “Double-Mint.”  In other words, double it up!  Have the child pay back double for what they’ve taken.  FACE the manager at the store.  Make your child FACE the manager at the store.  Stand BEHIND your child while they do it.  Have them pay for the item.  Follow through on whatever consequences the manager sees fit to impose.  (Most managers will not/cannot accept double payment, but the double can be given to a charity that matters to the store – most all of them do something in their communities.)  This isn’t about humiliation or degrading our children.  It’s about restitution and restoration.  If your child doesn’t have money of their own because they’re too little, then show them how you are using YOUR money to pay for it – that it takes a young person, working minimum wage, to work X amount of time to earn that amount of TAKE HOME (after tax) money, and that they will need to work to replace that money for your family.  Give them a job to do at home they wouldn’t normally have to do, and let them do it for whatever amount of time is needed to earn that “take home” pay.

The lying that accompanies stealing is also a reflex and a means to the end of protecting oneself (however irrational or “crazy”).  In the orphanage, if someone got into trouble, the goal was to find the kid who could be in even more trouble.  Pointing fingers and telling stories was just what you did to get by.  It’s a way of life – even a culture – and that way of life is hard to turn around, even if your kid has been home several years.  When I moved from the Northeast to the Midwest, it was hard!  I had to change some of the things I did or said regularly -- things that were a way of life in the Mid-Atlantic, but were seen as rude and completely unacceptable in the middle of the country.  It’s really no different for my kids when it comes to dealing with what is automatic for them – to lie.  This topic deserves its own post – maybe even several posts.  For now, let’s just say when it accompanies stealing, you really need to let the lies go – at least while you’re dealing with the muck of the theft.  “Making” a child tell the truth will usually just get you an even crazier lie.  Be silent.  If you must say anything, say, “I know you’re not telling me something.  I can wait for you to tell me the rest of what really happened.”  Then wait.  Don’t badger.

There’s no simple way to wrap all this up.  Stealing and lying are hard things for a good parent.  I’ll admit quite readily that being lied to is one of my own top triggers!  Still, when you talk with your child after the heat of the moment, and you want your questions answered, try using “what” questions.  (Don’t use “why.”  They don’t know WHY.)  Ask, “What did you want?”  “What were you thinking before you got the toy?”  “What do you think we should do now?”


There are many places on the internet to read much more on this topic.  I recommend the book, Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child, which you can get from Amazon or read online at Google Books here.  Feel free to add links in the comment section below this post!