Beyond BCLC - Active Parenting and FLAC

Four or five years ago, I was in a discussion with some other adoptive moms who were gung-ho about a parenting method for traumatized kids written by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post called Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control.  Frankly, I had some problems with this theory from the get-go.  I come from an academic background.  I like peer-reviewed research and outcomes based practices.  Since the book was based on a limited practice and had no peer-reviewed research to back it up, I was skeptical before I ever read it.  As I read it, I wondered how any parenting method that placed consequences for behavior on the back burner could properly serve any child, let alone a traumatized child, who would eventually need to live in “the real world,” where there were definite consequences for certain behaviors.  It just seemed “off” somehow to me.

Over time, Heather Forbes separated her practice and her writing (BCLC II has Heather’s name only on the cover) from Bryan Post.  Bryan Post faced legal issues with the Oklahoma State Board of Licensed Social Workers for referring to himself as “Dr.” Post.  BCLC Volume I even has his name with a “Ph.D.” following.  However, Post got his “doctorate” degree from a bogus (and now defunct) diploma mill called “Columbus University” (not to be confused with the Ivy League school, Columbia University in New York City where my own hubby earned a legitimate M.B.A., with honors, after a couple of years of full-time studies, hard work, and a rigorous admissions process to get into the school in the first place).  I became even more jaded about BCLC at the time because I despise deceit and I saw Post as someone trying to boost his income and credibility with unsuspecting parents with an incredible and bogus degree.  Still, when Forbes came out with BCLC II, I bought it and read it.  She seemed genuine and her ideas seemed like some that could stand up to the test of peer review should she choose to take that route.  Plus, I’d already put into practice some of the trauma parenting methods incorporated into BCLC that were also being used by other, peer-reviewed practitioners like Dr. Bruce Perry and Dr. Dan Hughes.  But I have always felt the need for our kids to learn consequences and logic and to feel safe because they knew their parents were indeed in control.

I cannot do justice to Heather Forbes’ work in one brief blog post.  I would encourage my readers to check out her book, Beyond Consequences, Logic & Control II.  I believe Heather has a true heart for helping other adoptive parents and that she “gets” how hard raising a traumatized child can be.  She’s been through all the ups and downs with her own child.  However, if I’ve learned anything over the last 7+ years of this journey (pre-adoption through today), I’ve learned that no one method, no one person, no one theory will serve as a one-size-fits-all therapeutic parenting path.

I believe our traumatized kids do indeed need to learn to feel safe.  Sometimes, that means ignoring a behavior in the moment and focusing on the fear behind the behavior.  But sometimes --- maybe most of the time --- our kids NEED to deal with even immediate consequences and they need to be dealt with logically.  I think this is especially important as our kids get older.  You just don’t have the time to mess around with a traumatized 17 year old that you do with a 7 year old, for example.  You need to make connection, but you need to be firm and teach boundaries, as I wrote about yesterday, and the logical consequences life will deal out when boundaries are ignored.  This is where I wish more adoptive parents would learn the parenting techniques of Dr. Michael Popkin and “Active Parenting Now!”  This is the program I teach in our county jail to parent inmates who will gain custody of their children again after they’ve served their sentences.  Like I said above, though, I don’t believe it is a be-all-end-all or a one-size-fits-all parenting program.  It’s a tool like anything else.  There are things we can learn from it and things that incorporate techniques many of us already have learned from more well-known sources like Perry and Hughes.

Dr. Michael Popkin

Popkin’s FLAC method works more for me than the BCLC method.  Modifying this approach to suit my personality as well as the needs of my kids has worked for us.  The BCLC method seemed more like coddling to me and it got us “stuck” when I tried to ignore consequences and logic too much in a heart-felt effort to work on the connection of attachment.  What I found was my kids NEEDED immediate consequences and logic in order to feel SAFE.  (Do not confuse this with the "Love and Logic" program.  It is quite different.  Logic there is more like saying, "Too bad; so sad.  What are you going to do about that."  And consequences are not connected to the behavior.  For example, L&L gives an example where a kid sneaks out of the house and the parent doesn't deal with the danger of that, they give a 'consequence' of picking up dog poop and mowing the yard with a nebulous time for completion.  That is NOT what Active Parenting Now! teaches.)

Our kids needed boundaries and when they went outside those boundaries, they needed quick, firm and logical consequences from me in response.  When I realized how important it was to control the size of their worlds, depending upon their abilities at the time, we made progress.

The basics of FLAC are this:

F – Feelings:  As a parent, you identify your child/teen’s feelings and you validate them.  It does not mean you AGREE with them.  You simply validate the feeling and identify it – something I found very important to do for my traumatized kiddos who could not identify the feelings behind their behavior.  When triggered, they still have a hard time doing that.

L – Limits:  Parents set the limits.  Kids can have input, especially as they get older and become more able to handle themselves and certain situations, but PARENTS set the limits.  Parents set the boundaries.

A – Alternatives:  Parents guide kids to come up with alternatives for achieving their goals within the boundaries or LIMITS already set.  Parents are authoritative, but working on alternatives allows the family to avoid becoming authoritarian, which leads to conflicts and head-butting that keeps everyone stuck.

C – Consequences:  All behavior has consequences.  No matter what we do or what we say, there is a consequence.  Hopefully, most consequences are positive.  I’m thirsty.  My behavior is I get a glass of water.  The consequence is that my thirst is quenched.  Children learn the world works in a logical manner (at least most of the time) and there are indeed consequences to behavior.  These are not ignored.  The world doesn’t work beyond them.

Active Parenting Now! helps parents teach children responsibility.  Responsibility expands as the child/teen matures. 

R = C +  C

Responsibility = Choices + Consequences

Parents learn to help their child “own the problem.”  However, parents also learn when a problem is primarily the parent’s responsibility and the parent needs to make choices with positive consequences.

Please know I receive no royalties or financial compensation (other than teaching fees when I facilitate a course) from Dr. Popkin or the Active Parenting Now! company.  I encourage my readers to learn more, though.  You can visit the APN website at www.activeparentingnow.com.  You can find links for classes near you or purchase the parenting guide there.  You can also find a brochure with the basics of the FLAC method HERE.  Dr. Popkin also has a biblically-based add-on available to accompany the APN program.

What Kind of Therapy Should We Use?

One of the questions I often hear is, “What KIND of therapy should we use to help our child?”  My answer is always, “I don’t know.”  (Real helpful, huh?)  The thing is, I don’t believe any ONE therapy will help.  Our kids’ “stuff” starts at different places and different ages.  Trauma that happens early (and often) is often much more difficult to treat therapeutically than trauma which happens when a child is older. 

When I started trying to sort through all the therapy options 4.5 years ago, it seemed everyone I knew was singing the praises of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control (BCLC).  This method was started by Bryan Post (who calls himself “Dr.” but does not hold a doctoral degree from any accredited institution -- only an online and now defunct diploma mill, and who was disciplined by the state of Oklahoma in 2007) and Heather Forbes, LCSWC (who has distanced herself from Post and now runs BCLC without him).  I read all the BCLC books.  I read articles on Forbe’s website.  I learned techniques from other parents who’d attended her trainings.  However, some of the BCLC stuff was easily manipulated by my very smart kids.  Besides, my kids NEEDED to feel as though someone was in “control.”  They’d had to control too much in their lives, too early.  They needed the direction of an authoritative parent.  (Notice I did not use the word, “authoritarian.”  Authoritarian parenting results in rebellion and steps backward in the healing process.  Authoritative parenting lets the child know who is in charge, and gives them a sense of safety, consistency, and protection.  My kids need that.)  In short, BCLC had some things that worked, and some things that didn’t.

We have used a lot of play therapy and family therapy (and play therapy as family therapy).  These methods have helped a lot with attachment.  It is SO important to find a therapist who really knows about attachment and trauma.  Activities such as playing games and using sand trays have helped us find breakthroughs for both The Princess and Youngest Son.  For example, our therapist uses the game “Sorry” and adds some rules of her own.  If we get a “1,” we get out onto the board, but only if we say something good that’s happened since our last session.  If we get a “2,” we have to say something that concerns us.  If we get a “3” we have to say something that our family does together that we like, etc.  These games almost always never go on very long before our kids are working, without ever feeling (terribly) pressured to “go there.”  This method helps us deal with specific issues, using Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) methods.  It is the method by which I’ve learned the most in how to BE a therapeutic parent for my kids.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is a very traditional therapy.  We use it a little bit, but only when things are going well.  When things hurt, and when a kid is dealing with trauma stored in the emotional part of their brain (amygdala), it’s nearly impossible to process things in the front part of their brain where cognition happens.  Still, it’s a therapy that has helped my kids feel as though they have some control over their lives -- when things are going well.

As I’ve written in earlier posts, for Youngest Son, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is the therapy that has changed his world (and ours).  However, this type of therapy would not have been possible with him even a year ago.  It is really just this school year that he’s matured enough, and has become stable enough on his medications, that he WANTS to change the way he responds to things.  Because DBT emphasizes responsibility for one’s own “stuff,” it was able to move him into a place where he could work cognitively and truly “own” his response to the things that trigger him.  It is only in recognizing that he DOES have PTSD, and that there ARE things that trigger him, that he is able to grasp hold of those triggers and change his behavior.

There are a lot of other things we’ve tried, as well, including “out-crazying the crazy.”  (Which is fun!)  We’ve even used (gasp!) traditional parenting methods in our therapeutic approach.  Like any of the above, sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.  In my experience, raising hurt kids is a very fluid enterprise.

I found a PDF which may be helpful to some.  It describes various therapy methods in very basic terms and is a good introduction to the world of therapy.  You can find it HERE.  It might serve as a conversation starter when talking to a potential therapist for your family.  There are also lists of questions to ask available on various blogs and websites.  One good list is HERE.

Please feel free to share other ideas in the comments section.