Dear Teacher: Six Dreaded Assignments

Every year, without fail, one of my kids will come home from school upset because they've been given one of six, always-upsetting, school assignments.  The assignments are usually given by language arts, social studies, and science teachers.  Each of the six assignments can vary, depending upon the grade level to which they’re assigned.  However, all six involve painful topics for a lot of adopted children (not to mention kids in foster care, kids who’ve experienced a traumatic event such as a fire or tornado that destroyed their home and all their possessions, children being cared for by someone other than their parent, etc.)

Dear teacher, if you absolutely MUST incorporate the following projects into your curriculum, would you take the time to read why these assignments are a challenge for my children, and so many other children in your classroom now, or in the years to come?  I’ll start with the one our family has most recently worked through together, and conclude with the most dreaded assignment of them all.

DNA – Genetic Traits:  This is the assignment usually given by middle school science teachers and high school biology teachers.  The student’s task is to chart or write about a genetic trait or traits that run in that students’ family.  The assignment is designed to give the student personal experience in studying how genetic traits are passed through generations.  The challenge with this assignment for kids who were adopted is it often raises questions which cannot be answered for the adoptee.  Some teachers mistakenly think by framing the assignment so students can chart a genetic trait in their adoptive families, it makes the assignment okay.  The fact is, this can make it much more painful, and can be a very real trauma trigger for the child. 

Suggested Alternatives for the ENTIRE Class:  Study genetic traits in various people groups.  For example, why do people of Celtic heritage often have red hair and/or green eyes?  Or look at historical examples such as inherited diseases in the royal families of Europe?  (I suggest alternative projects be given to the entire class so as not to single out the child unable to trace their genetic heritage, or for whom it would be painful to do so.)

The Family Tree:  My kids HATE this assignment.  It sends each of them reeling whenever they get it, no matter how benignly the teacher believes they’ve framed the project.  This assignment usually involves either drawing a tree with branches (and sometime roots if the teacher is trying to accommodate kids) or drawing a chart with family names and relationships defined as they relate to the student.  The assignment is designed to illustrate family relationships.  Sometimes, it can be part of a “getting to know you” assignment, as it was in my son's 9^th grade English class this year.  This assignment is a challenge because even when it does accommodate birth and adoptive or step families, it can involve very painful memories for the student and make him feel as though he’s being forced to reveal parts of his history he would rather not share.  Even when the teacher tells him he need not share all of his history, he is conflicted because he feels he is denying a part of who he is – or is being unfaithful to a part of his family.  As my children have gotten older, the feelings associated with this assignment become more complicated and more painful.

Suggested Alternatives for the ENTIRE Class:  Have students create a forest of trees or a neighborhood of houses, showing all the close relationships in their lives.  The trees could include friends, neighbors, teachers, coaches, clergy, and family.  If the assignment is geared more toward biology, trace the tree of a historical figure, or even of the teacher, and make it a classroom assignment.  There are plenty of genealogical resources available online.  Most public libraries also have a genealogy room.

Student of the Week:  This assignment is usually only given to elementary school students.  However, my daughter’s 6^th grade English teacher did a variation of this assignment with her class.  The assignment involves students taking turns each week to be the “star” student of the week.  They design a poster (in my daughter’s English class, they used paper bags), and then add things to the poster such as pictures of the student growing up, family pictures, and the student’s story.  The goal of the assignment is to help students know one another and give each child a leadership opportunity in the classroom.  This is a challenge for many adopted kids, and especially traumatized adopted kids, because the subject of their adoption is often brought up when they would rather it not be.  Not all kids are comfortable sharing their adoption with fellow students.  For traumatized kids, the classroom is not a safe place to process the big feelings surrounding their adoption and they cannot separate their past trauma from their adoption story.

Suggested Alternative for the ENITRE Class:  Have students use current pictures of themselves and of their favorite things, such as pets and activities.  Let the star of the week write about their favorite color, food, subject in school, favorite activity, etc.  Focus on the present.  Students are interested in their classmates and what they’re about NOW.

Exploring Our Heritage:  This assignment usually involves making a map, drawing a flag, or doing a presentation on the student’s country or culture of origin.  This assignment happens throughout grades K-12.  The goal of the assignment is to have students learn about various cultures.  This assignment can be a challenge for adopted students in several ways.  For my kids, the only “culture” they remember experiencing in their birth country was a culture of alcoholism and abuse.  While they are curious about their birth country, its history, its government, and its people, they do not want to process that curiosity in the classroom.  They are much more comfortable processing it in pieces, as they direct, at home.  Other students may want to share their country’s culture, but because they do not share that culture with their adoptive family, they are uncomfortable with the inevitable questions about the differences between themselves and their adoptive family.  Others may rather talk about their adoptive family’s culture.  There’s just not an easy answer.  Each student will react differently to this assignment.

Suggested Alternative for the ENTIRE Class:  Have students choose a culture of interest to them to research, rather than one related to their family.

The Life Timeline:  This is another assignment my children hate.  The assignment involves having the student create a timeline of events from their birth to the present.  Timelines incorporate both personal life events and historical events.  The goal of the assignment is to chart historical events on a timeline and show the student’s relationship to history.  This assignment is a challenge for adopted kids because they may be unsure of the time, location, or even the date of their actual birth.  My daughter wondered if she needed to include painful details such as when she entered the orphanage, when she last saw her birth mother, etc.  Adopted children are often confused about what personal information they should and should not include in their timelines. 

Suggested Alternative for the ENTIRE Class:  Do not specify that the timeline begin with the child’s birth.  Allow for open ended time frames such as, “past and present.”  Create a timeline for a historic figure, or perhaps, for the teacher.

The (Dreaded) Baby Picture Assignment:  This assignment is by far the most painful for my kids, and one I find the most cruel.  Teachers ask students to bring in baby pictures, which are usually posted anonymously, and students are challenged to guess who is who.  This assignment is also part of a lot of graduation programs and celebrations.  (Do I really need to say why this is a challenge?)  My kids came home at ages nine and twelve.  We have no baby pictures.  We have very few pictures of them before their adoption, and those pictures are of them in situations we do not share publicly.  My “baby” pictures of my two youngest kids are of them at the age of their adoption.   Not all adopted kids were adopted at birth.  Most are adopted as "older" children.  For some kids, the race or physical feature of a child may make them stand out from most of the other children. 

Suggested Alternative for the ENTIRE Class:  Have children bring in pictures of “when they were younger,” or perhaps a current picture of themselves, disguised by a costume.  Younger children can draw pictures of themselves “when they were younger.”  (Again, my most honest suggested alternative would be to ban this assignment all together.)

Dear teacher, you can find additional resources regarding school assignments and the adopted child in your classroom by visiting two of my favorite websites:    

http://adoptivefamilies.com/school

or

http://www.adoptionarticlesdirectory.com/Category/School-issues/89

Black & White Thinking

Riding in the car on the way to school this morning, my daughter asked, “Mom, what is human trafficking?”  Talk about a sucker punch. 

My daughter is processing SO MUCH lately.  Hard topics such as human trafficking are not something I was prepared to deal with today, alongside known trauma triggers such as bio-family stuff like I wrote about on Friday, bad dreams like I wrote about HERE recently, or acting out behaviors like at the zoo over the holidays.  Heck, I wasn’t even fully awake yet.  I am NOT a morning person.  So, what did I do?  I took a big breath.  I let it out.  Then, I answered her with a question of my own.  “Honey, were you talking about human trafficking in youth group last night?” 

Well, yes.  It was THE topic of discussion last night.

Another deep breath in.  Another deep breath out.

I kept driving.  I gave her a broad definition of what human trafficking meant.  She asked a few more questions.  She told me some more things her small group leader told her about the topic.  I told her that yes, those things were sadly true.  Then I said I wished the youth leaders told parents when they were going to be dealing with such hard topics.  She said, “Me, too.” 

Then she asked, “What about alcoholics?”  I asked in return, “What about them?”  She rolled her eyes and told me that she is probably going to be an alcoholic, as well as poor, when she grows up.  I asked her why she thought that and she said it was because they discussed it in Sunday School yesterday.  She said that “people who grow up with alcoholic parents become alcoholics, and people who grow up poor stay poor.”  Whether it was discussed QUITE that way or not, I don’t know, but I do know she was triggered by the discussion.  So was Youngest Son.  He confirmed that this was the discussion.

Unfortunately, not enough people working with traumatized kids know enough about them or their needs.  More training is needed – really needed – for anyone working with children.  This education should be part of any teacher training, youth & children’s ministry training, or sports/recreation training.  We trauma mamas need to figure out a way to make this happen!

Traumatized kids tend to see things as black and white.  There are no gray areas.  It doesn’t matter if they’re 6 or 16.  Something either is, or it isn’t.  They think, “If I had alcoholic parents, I will be an alcoholic.”  That’s a traumatized brain.  There are no gray areas that say, “I HAD alcoholic parents, but now I’m being raised in a safe, functional family and I can overcome my past.  I can learn skills that will help me navigate life in a more healthy way.”  Likewise, even though they’ve been told many times, there is no ability to remember that God is in the business of redemption when our kids are triggered.

Black and white, or “all or nothing” thinking, is tied to the most primitive of human responses:  flight or fight.  Kids dealing with complex trauma, when triggered, are transported back to that primitive state of being in flight or fight mode, just as they were when the trauma first occurred.  It is an automatic response on a very basic level.  There is no rationalization.  The brain in flight or fight mode cannot rationalize.  It reacts.  Because traumatized kids are triggered to believe their lives are in danger – that they may actually DIE -- there is no time for “if this” or “maybe that.”  There is no room for gray.  While a youth worker discussing social problems with the youth group may also discuss the redemption of God, or the ability to overcome hard beginnings with good nurturing, the brain of a traumatized kid already in flight or fight mode simply will not process this.  There is no time for uncertainty when your life is threatened.  You need to decide whether to run, or to stay and fight.

The amygdala, which is in the middle part of the brain, and the center for the fight/flight/freeze response, is fully functional at birth.  That means that even a tiny baby is capable of a full blown trauma response.  Even children who do not cognitively remember a traumatic event can still have that full blown trauma response stored in their amygdala.  It “rewires” the brain for life.  It does not go away with love and time.  It can be triggered by events, actions, discussions, sights, smells, touches, and sensory experiences in the future.

The hippocampuses, where the brain assesses stimuli and tells us whether or not it is threatening, is not fully functional until a child is about five years old.  The cortex – the front part of the brain where we can think and figure things out and rationalize -- is not fully mature until around age 12, sometimes even older. This means that when a baby or young child is hurt and frightened, they have no way of understanding what is going on around them. The front part of their brain can’t rationalize what’s happening, so the middle part of their brain simply stores the trauma.  That trauma causes black and white thinking (a flight or fight response), because they do not have the developmental capability to process levels of threat, nor the cognitive capability to even understand what’s happening.

Kids dealing with complex trauma CANNOT simply “get over it.”

The result of trauma triggers such as hearing, “people who grew up with alcoholic parents become alcoholics” is too often a self-fulfilling prophecy.  In traumatized kids’ all or nothing thinking, they believe they are doomed to repeat their biological parents mistakes.  They believe they are destined to BE their biological parents.  Their already too well-established sense of being “damaged goods” is reinforced.  In their black and white thinking, their beliefs about themselves are affirmed.  The instruction of a well-meaning teacher or youth worker is twisted to a belief that is exactly opposite of what any caring adult would intend.

In addition to education for people working with youth and children, parent notification is also essential when hard topics will be presented in the classroom or the youth meeting.  Youth leaders and teachers should notify parents IN ADVANCE that they will be discussing hard topics with youth.  Parents raising hurt children can then decide how best to prepare their child for the topic – or even whether or not to allow their child to participate in that discussion at all.  Some parents may decide to prepare their child and also attend the session with the child.  Still, the decision on how to best approach these topics with a traumatized child should be left up to the parent.  Communication is the key.  Teachers and youth workers should not depend upon children to communicate to parents that a hard topic is to be discussed, or that a documentary on a hard topic will be shown.  One of the greatest challenges for parents of traumatized children is getting them to tell us anything!  Adults need to communicate with adults.  As parents, we are the ones who need to take the initiative.

As parents, we need to be the ones talking to our kids’ teachers, youth leaders, and coaches.  We need to be proactive, and not reactive (often the “fight” of flight or fight response) ourselves.  Communicate with the adults in your child’s life.  Perhaps offer some training.  The FACT SHEETS I posted on this blog are a good tool and can be adjusted to help youth leaders outside the classroom as well as for teachers.  There are also some good resources posted HERE.  Feel free to share in the comments section additional resources or links to sites you have found helpful.

Scholarly Education on Complex Trauma

When I was a teenager, I spent as little time as possible studying.  I did what I had to do to get by in school.  I was a lazy scholar.  Deep down, I still am.  My thirst for learning is only fueled by my desperation.  When I feel I NEED to know something and do not, it is then I am most ready to study and to learn.  There is much I have needed to know these last several years.  If you also need to know, below are some scholarly papers and websites with resources for higher learning about complex trauma:

     *Neuroscience & Behavior - a free undergraduate level course on MIT's open learning website.  There are over 700 courses on this site - both undergraduate and graduate level courses - in a wide range for fields of study.

     *Articles by Dr. Bruce Perry (one of my favorites):
          Anxiety Disorders
          Bonding & Attachment in Maltreated Children
          The Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics
          and FOR TEACHERS
          Children and Loss (on Scholastic's website)
          What Childhood Neglect Tells Us About Nature and Nurture

     *Treatment of Complex Trauma in Young Children:  Developmental and Cultural Consideration in Application of the ARC Intervention Model.  Arvidson, Kinniburgh, Howard, Spinazzola, Strothers, Evans, Andres, Cohen, Blaustein, 2011.  Journal of Child and Adolescent Trauma, 4:34-51

     *The Amygdala, Fear, and Memory.  Fanselow & Gale discuss the role of the frontotemporal amygdala in classical fear conditioning, 2003.

 More links are available at:  Tip Sheets for Psychology Majors.  Additionally, even more links -- more than you will ever read or need, but may want to browse for some gems -- are available at www.trauma-pages.com

Dear Teacher: About My Child in Your Classroom

Dear Teacher,

Thank you for your willingness to spend your days inside a classroom with two to three dozen energetic children.  You must certainly be an exceptional person.  While each of your students is exceptional as well, a child who has suffered from significant, complex past traumatic stress (C-PTSD) and reactive attachment disorder issues (RAD) is enrolled in your class this year.  This child is indeed “exceptional.”

Children suffering from C-PTSD and RAD, or “RADish” issues, can come from various walks of life and live in different family structures.  My child was adopted in 2007 at the age of 12.  Until his adoption, my son lived in an orphanage for special needs children located in a former Soviet state.  His birth country is now its own independent and proud nation, but its child welfare system is still much as it was decades ago throughout Eastern Europe.  Specific details of my son’s story are private, but in order for you to understand what this child has been through, there are some specific things you need to know.  These things are to be discussed only with me, or with professionals you work with at school, and on a confidential basis only.  These things are never to be discussed in the classroom.  There is never a need to announce to your class that my child was adopted.  (Yes, there are teachers who’ve made that mistake.)  Don’t do it.  Not ever.  It’s common knowledge for many, but it is not a topic for classroom discussion.

In the orphanage, my son slept in a room with a few dozen other boys ages 7 to 16.  He saw things that boys do who are unsupervised during much of their time.  These things would put children into rehab programs for child predators here in the states.  Some of those things he may have seen – he probably did see – they may have happened to him, too.  We will never know the full story.  Our son was abused and neglected by orphanage workers.  He had belongings stolen from him.  He stole (and sometimes still steals) things, too.  He learned to lie and to act as well as any award winning movie actor.  He was beat often by both adults and other children.  The scars you see on his body were not put there because of normal childhood accidents.  Those scars are from things that happened to him both in the orphanage and in his first family, years before we ever knew him.

My son may seem pretty “normal” to you most of the time.  He wants very much to “just be normal.”  The fact is, the trauma of his past and the abuse and neglect he suffered during the first 12 years of his life have altered the way he thinks and the way he functions in the world.  These are not things that are healed with time or love.  C-PTSD and RAD are not curable.  They are not miracles just waiting for God to heal.  They are life-long challenges for which my son needs to learn skills in order to navigate this life and be productive in society.  He has the potential to lead a life far different than the life he knew as a young child, but please understand his brain is FOREVER changed because of those early years.

The Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children (www.ATTACh.org) defines attachment as a “reciprocal process by which an emotional connection develops between a baby and its parent.”  Attachment influences the child’s physical, neurological, cognitive, and psychological development.  It is the foundation of the development of basic trust and shapes how the child relates to the world, how he learns, and how he forms relationships throughout life.

When a child’s needs are not met, or if his needs are only met on a sporadic basis, his brain is forever changed.  He operates from a systemic need to fight or flee.  Fear and shame are his base emotions.  Survival is his base motivation.  He must gain control.  Otherwise, he feels, quite literally, like he will die.  This is the nuts and bolts of C-PTSD and RAD.

His reactions can appear in several ways.  Unless you know what to look for, you might even miss a reaction to something that has triggered his trauma and caused him to go into that “flight or fight” mode.  Kids who deal with C-PTSD and RAD are often either very inhibited (withdrawn, passive/aggressive, sneaky) or very dis-inhibited (hyper-active, talkative/argumentative, superficially charming).  And sometimes, a kid who is usually inhibited, can display himself as very disinhibited, or visa versa.

You can read about things to look for in traumatized and attachment disordered children at this blog post:  If It Walks Like a Duck

You probably learned in your Child Psychology class in college that babies learn to regulate themselves emotionally and behaviorally in the arms of loving parents.  When a baby cries, the attentive parent soothes the child through rocking, feeding, singing, touching, and lovingly gazing into that baby’s eyes.  This helps the child learn to self-sooth in an emotionally healthy way and to cope with strong emotions such as rage.  Children who are not held or comforted when distressed learn to self-sooth in other ways, some of them very destructive.  Rage is not something that they can cope with easily and for this reason, many children with RAD or C-PTSD have difficulty regulating their emotions and behavior.  They’ve learned to survive.  Some of the behaviors they employ to survive do not serve them well in society or at school.  However, hurt kids are not “bad.”  They are not acting out because they are “spoiled.” 

Another thing to understand as my child’s teacher is this:  I did not cause this hurt for my children.  My children came to me deeply hurt.  I need to parent my hurt children with methods that are very different than the traditional parenting methods I used to raise four healthy, well-adjusted and productive biological sons.  I am not coddling my hurt children.  I am not spoiling them.  They are not “getting away with murder.”  Any behaviors you see or report you may hear (true or false), you would see or hear no matter in what good family my child was placed.  My child is a resilient survivor.  His survivor instinct is well-ingrained into his very psyche and he continues to use strategies that enabled him to cope through multiple traumatic events including his mother’s abuse and prostitution, his father’s neglect and suicide, his parents’ and extended family’s drinking, and his placement into a very corrupt and abusive orphanage system.  There is no glossing over the trauma of his past.  I will not make it “pretty” to protect you because it will serve neither you nor him to do so.  Please don’t pity my child.  Understand he’s been through much more than we will ever fully imagine.  But, his survival strategies are no longer effective.  We are working hard as a family, together with our child’s therapist and other support services, to help our child learn how to have his best life now that he is safe.  We also need your help and cooperation.

I am one of those parents that teachers are always saying they wished there were more of, but then complain about as “helicopter parents” soon after.  It is true that I am intensely involved in my child’s therapy and healing.  My child is not – cannot – be parented by the traditional parenting methods that helped me before I adopted.  I have spent a graduate degree’s worth of time researching, learning, writing about, counseling, teaching, and practicing methods to help my child and other hurt children.  I am not naïve.  I know what you have to deal with in the classroom every single day.  I’ve been there.  I know now, however, I am not meant to be in a classroom every day.  But I also know my child is not your only student.  In fact, I know on average, you have five attachment disordered and traumatized children in your class, though you may not be fully aware of it, as they may be undiagnosed.  Helping a child who has suffered the kind of trauma my child has suffered is hard.  REALLY hard.  It’s hard as his teacher.  It’s many times more hard as his parent.

There are some VERY IMPORTANT things you can remember to do in your classroom in order to help my child:

1.  Remain calm.  Even when you feel like letting my child really have “it,” stay calm.  A child who manages to upset or anger you is in control of the situation.  Model and verbalize desired behaviors:  calm voice, open and relaxed arms and stance, attentive eye contact, friendly face.

2.       Stay in contact with us – the child’s parents/family.  We are excellent sources of information about our children’s strengths and current challenges.  Many of us are very well educated and can provide you with resources that will help you better understand our children, as well as other children with traumatic backgrounds.  And this is really IMPORTANT:  Remember children with RADish issues often attempt to maintain control by creating chaos with triangulation.  “Crazy” is what feels “normal” to them.  Triangulating all individuals – especially the adults – is a favored way to create chaos.  (For example a child trying to triangulate adults may tell his teacher, “My mom said I didn’t need to do my homework at all.” Or “My mom wouldn’t let me study for the test; she was too busy making me clean the bathroom/give her a backrub/cook her dinner/pick up dog poop in the yard.”)  CHECK WITH the child’s parents, other educators, youth ministers, coaches, etc. before believing what a traumatized child says.  Maintain a respectful and professional relationship with the child.  Remember you are not their primary caregiver.  Parents are to be where the child receives hugs, cuddles, food, and treats.  Don’t buy into the “poor me” or “poor orphan” mentality.

3.  Traditional methods of discipline do not work for traumatized children.  Avoid the use of punishment as a negative motivator for the behavior you’d like to see.  It produces resentment, retaliation, or retreat into sneakiness.  A week of missed recess or a missed activity is meaningless in terms of changing behavior.  It will escalate.  Make consequences natural results of choices.  STAY CALM.  Do not raise your voice.  Say, “Oh, how sad for you that you’ve not done your work on time.  You’re lucky to have an awesome teacher who will give you the chance to practice these skills while the rest of the class is doing computer time.”

4.      Avoid those behavior management plans that everyone at NEA tells you to use.  They’re based on consistency, and that makes them easy targets for manipulation for kids with C-PTSD and RADish behaviors.  These plans also let students know just how much you value certain behaviors.  My hurt kids love to “question” (a.k.a. ARGUE) and get into useless discussions about valued behaviors and rules.  It’s not that they don’t need to know the rules.  They do!  It’s just that children with RAD have difficulty figuring out cause and effect.  Remember, they need to feel in control in order to feel safe.  The “rewards” of behavior management plans (candy, prizes, etc.) mean little to attachment disordered kids.  In fact, little gifts and prizes that are often part of behavior management plans can set them off into really crazy triggers their parents wind up having to deal with at home later.  You may never see it, but your actions caused it.  So don’t go with this old standard when it comes to hurt kids.  It’s harmful, not helpful.

5.      Provide natural consequences the first time.  Do not give the child a second chance.  Keep consequences as logical outcomes to the behavior, but ensure the child “makes things right” the first time.  Otherwise, you give the message that the behavior is “okay.”  (Also, never say, “It’s okay” when it’s not.)  Attachment disordered children are black and white thinkers.  Second chances and warnings are perceived as threats and will force hurt kids into that fight or flight mode of thinking.

6.      Establish eye contact.  Attachment disordered kids – especially those who display inhibited attachment disorder – dissociate from others and from situations when they feel threatened.  Keep them in the here and now – in the moment.  Remind them they are safe.  Say it out loud to them!  “You are safe.  You are not going to be hurt.  You are in Mrs. Smith’s classroom and we work together here.”  Remember to stay calm.  Be matter-of-fact even as you are firm.

7.      Ask “what” questions such as “What are you feeling?”  or “What happened?”  Avoid “why” questions.  Our hurt children mean it when they say, “I don’t know” in answer to a why question.  Why questions are fruitless.  Ignore obvious lies in the heat of the moment.  Remember the child is in survival mode and confronting the lie will only escalate the situation.  If the child is unable to tell you what happened, give yourself and the child a “time in” where the child stays nearby until he is ready to talk.  Do not shame the child with a “time out.”  This will send him further into withdrawal and reinforce the feelings of neglect and worthlessness so ingrained in him due to early neglect and abuse.

8.      Use actions.  Not so much words.  If a child continually tips his chair, remove it.  Let him sit on the floor.  If a child refuses to wear a jacket, don’t force the issue.  Let them experience the natural consequence of being cold.

9.      Use one-liners when you do need to use words.  They make kids think, instead of tuning you out.  They place responsibility on the child.  They let the child know you will not be provoked and are effective tools for you to use to avoid power struggles and additional trauma triggers.  The fewer the words, the better.  Remember to use a CALM, matter-of-fact voice.  Sarcasm and anger counteract the good one-liner.  Some of my favorites:

a.       “Sucks for you.”  (Probably not appropriate in the classroom, but you can modify it.  Besides, I was going for the laugh.  Did you laugh?)

b.       “Bummer, Dude.”

c.      “What do you think about that?”

d.      “What are you going to do about that?”

e.      “How are you going to handle that?”

f.       “How would you handle that next time?”

g.      “Hmm, and how did that work for you?”

h.      “Thanks for your honesty.”

i.       “I respect you and myself too much to argue with you.”

j.       If he/she whines, “Why?”  Say, “If you don’t figure it out by [time], I’ll explain it to you.”

k.      “I listen to one person at a time. . . Thanks.”

l.       “I’ll be glad to listen when your voice is as soft and as calm as mine.”

m.    When a child tells you that “you never do” or that “you don’t do” like another teacher say, “That’s right!”

n.      When the child tries to argue say, “I know.”  (Student:  Math rots!  Teacher:  I know.)

o.     When a student degrades himself and says, “I can’t do this.” Or “I’m too stupid,” you say, “Aren’t you glad I don’t believe that.”  Then walk away.

For more information about post-institutionalized children, RAD, and C-PTSD visit websites such as www.ATTACh.org, www.bgcenter.com, and www.beyondconsequences.com.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may have about older child adoption, international adoption, post-institutionalized children, post traumatic stress disorder or attachment disorder.  I look forward to partnering with you this year so that my child learns all he can in your classroom.

Sincerely,

Your Student’s Parent

Dear Teacher: About the movies you show in class

On the way to school this morning, my daughter announced to me that you were showing the movie, “Elf” in class this week.  Dear teacher, this movie is highly inappropriate for the adopted/foster children in your classroom.  It is also inappropriate for these children’s classmates, as it often adds fuel to the fire for kids to be cruel to one another.  “Elf,” along with movies such as “Despicable Me,” “Tangled,” and even “Annie,” give poor portrayals of adoption, adoptive families, and children who entered their family by adoption.  They show ridiculous scenes of abandonment, child stealing, and abuse.  They nearly always portray the adoptive parent as “evil.” 

These movies are disturbing for many adopted kids to watch even in a place they feel most safe, such as in their own home with their parents’ guidance.  They are especially disturbing in the atmosphere of the classroom, where movies are shown most often as a “reward” for the students, and a break for the teacher.  These periods are usually much less structured than a regular classroom period.  Teachers are not aware of students’ emotional distress.  Yet, fellow students, aware of a child’s status of “being adopted,” are often inspired to engage in escalated cruelty and teasing toward the adopted child outside the classroom.  Please remember, dear teacher:  middle school is its own hell for a lot of your students.  Heaping on trauma triggers, even unintentionally, makes it no easier.

Occasionally, you will encounter a parent who works hard to educate educators about such things.  At first, these parents are often seen as good resources to teachers.  They are helpful.  They have a lot of information, and they can remind you of things you already know, but don’t think of that often.  Some of them even do some of your work for you.  At first, you are quite thankful for them.  Later, when you forget about trauma triggers, and you’ve hurt a child, these same parents may seem more adversarial to you than helpful.  You may be tempted to resent them.  However, please don’t receive them that way. 

If you are a parent, remember how important it is to protect your child.  Help them protect their child and assist in their hurt child’s healing.  If you’re not a parent, remember why you went into teaching in the first place.  You wanted to help kids. 

Accept a good parent’s correction.  They are much more likely to see you as a partner in helping their child become the best they can be when you remain open to learning.  The best teachers are continually learning, just as the best parents are continually learning.  Don’t get defensive.  Think about what this parent is saying and respond appropriately.  If you’ve started showing a movie that shouldn’t be shown, stop.  You allow “do overs” for your students.  Allow do overs for yourself, as well.  And remember: You’re always saying you wished more parents were involved?  When you meet one who is, be happy.  You have your wish!

Sincerely,

Your student’s parent