Dear Teacher,
Thank you for your willingness to spend your days inside a
classroom with two to three dozen energetic children. You must certainly be an exceptional
person. While each of your students is
exceptional as well, a child who has suffered from significant, complex past
traumatic stress (C-PTSD) and reactive attachment disorder issues
(RAD) is enrolled in your class this year.
This child is indeed “exceptional.”
Children suffering from C-PTSD and RAD, or “RADish” issues,
can come from various walks of life and live in different family
structures. My child was adopted in 2007
at the age of 12. Until his adoption, my
son lived in an orphanage for special needs children located in a former Soviet
state. His birth country is now its own
independent and proud nation, but its child welfare system is still much as it
was decades ago throughout Eastern Europe.
Specific details of my son’s story are private, but in order for you to
understand what this child has been through, there are some specific things you
need to know. These things are to be
discussed only with me, or with professionals you work with at school, and on a
confidential basis only. These things
are never to be discussed in the classroom.
There is never a need to announce to your class that my child was
adopted. (Yes, there are teachers who’ve
made that mistake.) Don’t do it. Not ever.
It’s common knowledge for many, but it is not a topic for classroom
discussion.
In the orphanage, my son slept in a room with a few dozen
other boys ages 7 to 16. He saw things
that boys do who are unsupervised during much of their time. These things would put children into rehab
programs for child predators here in the states. Some of those things he may have seen – he probably
did see – they may have happened to him, too.
We will never know the full story.
Our son was abused and neglected by orphanage workers. He had belongings stolen from him. He stole (and sometimes still steals) things,
too. He learned to lie and to act as
well as any award winning movie actor. He
was beat often by both adults and other children. The scars you see on his body were not put
there because of normal childhood accidents.
Those scars are from things that happened to him both in the orphanage
and in his first family, years before we ever knew him.
My son may seem pretty “normal” to you most of the
time. He wants very much to “just be
normal.” The fact is, the trauma of his
past and the abuse and neglect he suffered during the first 12 years of his
life have altered the way he thinks and the way he functions in the world. These are not things that are healed with
time or love. C-PTSD and RAD are not
curable. They are not miracles just waiting
for God to heal. They are life-long
challenges for which my son needs to learn skills in order to navigate this life
and be productive in society. He has the
potential to lead a life far different than the life he knew as a young child,
but please understand his brain is FOREVER changed because of those early
years.
The Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment
of Children (www.ATTACh.org) defines attachment as a “reciprocal process by
which an emotional connection develops between a baby and its parent.” Attachment influences the child’s physical,
neurological, cognitive, and psychological development. It is the foundation of the development of
basic trust and shapes how the child relates to the world, how he learns, and
how he forms relationships throughout life.
When a child’s needs are not met, or if his needs are only
met on a sporadic basis, his brain is forever changed. He operates from a systemic need to fight or
flee. Fear and shame are his base
emotions. Survival is his base
motivation. He must gain control. Otherwise, he feels, quite literally, like he
will die. This is the nuts and bolts of
C-PTSD and RAD.
His reactions can appear in several ways. Unless you know what to look for, you might
even miss a reaction to something that has triggered his trauma and caused him
to go into that “flight or fight” mode.
Kids who deal with C-PTSD and RAD are often either very inhibited
(withdrawn, passive/aggressive, sneaky) or very dis-inhibited (hyper-active,
talkative/argumentative, superficially charming). And sometimes, a kid who is usually
inhibited, can display himself as very disinhibited, or visa versa.
You can read about things to look for in traumatized and attachment disordered children at this blog post: If It Walks Like a Duck
You probably learned in your Child Psychology class in college that babies learn to regulate themselves emotionally and
behaviorally in the arms of loving parents.
When a baby cries, the attentive parent soothes the child through
rocking, feeding, singing, touching, and lovingly gazing into that baby’s
eyes. This helps the child learn to
self-sooth in an emotionally healthy way and to cope with strong emotions such
as rage. Children who are not held or
comforted when distressed learn to self-sooth in other ways, some of them very
destructive. Rage is not something that
they can cope with easily and for this reason, many children with RAD or C-PTSD
have difficulty regulating their emotions and behavior. They’ve learned to survive. Some of the behaviors they employ to survive do not serve them well in society or at school.
However, hurt kids are not “bad.”
They are not acting out because they are “spoiled.”
Another thing to understand as my child’s teacher is this: I did
not cause this hurt for my children. My
children came to me deeply hurt. I need
to parent my hurt children with methods that are very different than the
traditional parenting methods I used to raise four healthy, well-adjusted and
productive biological sons. I am not
coddling my hurt children. I am not
spoiling them. They are not “getting
away with murder.” Any behaviors you see
or report you may hear (true or false), you would see or hear no matter in what
good family my child was placed. My
child is a resilient survivor. His
survivor instinct is well-ingrained into his very psyche and he continues to
use strategies that enabled him to cope through multiple traumatic events
including his mother’s abuse and prostitution, his father’s neglect and
suicide, his parents’ and extended family’s drinking, and his placement into a
very corrupt and abusive orphanage system.
There is no glossing over the trauma of his past. I will not make it “pretty” to protect you
because it will serve neither you nor him to do so. Please don’t pity my child. Understand he’s been through much more than we
will ever fully imagine. But, his
survival strategies are no longer effective.
We are working hard as a family, together with our child’s therapist and
other support services, to help our child learn how to have his best life now
that he is safe. We also need your help
and cooperation.
I am one of those parents that teachers are always saying
they wished there were more of, but then complain about as “helicopter parents”
soon after. It is true that I am
intensely involved in my child’s therapy and healing. My child is not – cannot – be parented by the
traditional parenting methods that helped me before I adopted. I have spent a graduate degree’s worth of
time researching, learning, writing about, counseling, teaching, and practicing
methods to help my child and other hurt children. I am not naïve. I know what you have to deal with in the
classroom every single day. I’ve been
there. I know now, however, I am not
meant to be in a classroom every day.
But I also know my child is not your only student. In fact, I know on average, you have five
attachment disordered and traumatized children in your class, though you may
not be fully aware of it, as they may be undiagnosed. Helping a child who has suffered the kind of
trauma my child has suffered is hard.
REALLY hard. It’s hard as his
teacher. It’s many times more hard as
his parent.
There are some VERY IMPORTANT things you can remember to do in
your classroom in order to help my child:
1. Remain
calm. Even when you feel like letting my
child really have “it,” stay calm. A
child who manages to upset or anger you is in control of the situation. Model and verbalize desired behaviors: calm voice, open and relaxed arms and stance,
attentive eye contact, friendly face.
2.
Stay in
contact with us – the child’s parents/family.
We are excellent sources of information about our children’s strengths
and current challenges. Many of us are
very well educated and can provide you with resources that will help you better
understand our children, as well as other children with traumatic
backgrounds. And this is really IMPORTANT: Remember children with RADish issues often
attempt to maintain control by creating chaos with triangulation. “Crazy” is what feels “normal” to them. Triangulating all individuals – especially the
adults – is a favored way to create chaos.
(For example a child trying to triangulate adults may tell his teacher, “My
mom said I didn’t need to do my homework at all.” Or “My mom wouldn’t let me
study for the test; she was too busy making me clean the bathroom/give her a
backrub/cook her dinner/pick up dog poop in the yard.”) CHECK WITH the child’s parents, other
educators, youth ministers, coaches, etc. before believing what a traumatized
child says. Maintain a respectful and
professional relationship with the child.
Remember you are not their primary caregiver. Parents are to be where the child receives
hugs, cuddles, food, and treats. Don’t
buy into the “poor me” or “poor orphan” mentality.
3. Traditional methods of discipline do not work
for traumatized children. Avoid the use
of punishment as a negative motivator for the behavior you’d like to see. It produces resentment, retaliation, or
retreat into sneakiness. A week of
missed recess or a missed activity is meaningless in terms of changing
behavior. It will escalate. Make consequences natural results of
choices. STAY CALM. Do not raise your voice. Say, “Oh, how sad for you that you’ve not
done your work on time. You’re lucky to
have an awesome teacher who will give you the chance to practice these skills
while the rest of the class is doing computer time.”
4.
Avoid those behavior management plans that everyone
at NEA tells you to use. They’re based
on consistency, and that makes them easy targets for manipulation for kids with
C-PTSD and RADish behaviors. These plans
also let students know just how much you value certain behaviors. My hurt kids love to “question” (a.k.a.
ARGUE) and get into useless discussions about valued behaviors and rules. It’s not that they don’t need to know the
rules. They do! It’s just that children with RAD have
difficulty figuring out cause and effect.
Remember, they need to feel in control in order to feel safe. The “rewards” of behavior management plans (candy,
prizes, etc.) mean little to attachment disordered kids. In fact, little gifts and prizes that are
often part of behavior management plans can set them off into really crazy triggers
their parents wind up having to deal with at home later. You may never see it, but your actions caused
it. So don’t go with this old standard
when it comes to hurt kids. It’s
harmful, not helpful.
5.
Provide natural consequences the first
time. Do not give the child a second
chance. Keep consequences as logical
outcomes to the behavior, but ensure the child “makes things right” the first
time. Otherwise, you give the message
that the behavior is “okay.” (Also,
never say, “It’s okay” when it’s not.)
Attachment disordered children are black and white thinkers. Second chances and warnings are perceived as
threats and will force hurt kids into that fight or flight mode of thinking.
6.
Establish eye contact. Attachment disordered kids – especially those
who display inhibited attachment disorder – dissociate from others and from
situations when they feel threatened.
Keep them in the here and now – in the moment. Remind them they are safe. Say it out loud to them! “You are safe. You are not going to be hurt. You are in Mrs. Smith’s classroom and we work
together here.” Remember to stay
calm. Be matter-of-fact even as you are firm.
7.
Ask “what” questions such as “What are you
feeling?” or “What happened?” Avoid “why” questions. Our hurt children mean it when they say, “I
don’t know” in answer to a why question.
Why questions are fruitless.
Ignore obvious lies in the heat of the moment. Remember the child is in survival mode and
confronting the lie will only escalate the situation. If the child is unable to tell you what
happened, give yourself and the child a “time in” where the child stays nearby
until he is ready to talk. Do not shame
the child with a “time out.” This will
send him further into withdrawal and reinforce the feelings of neglect and
worthlessness so ingrained in him due to early neglect and abuse.
8.
Use actions.
Not so much words. If a child
continually tips his chair, remove it.
Let him sit on the floor. If a
child refuses to wear a jacket, don’t force the issue. Let them experience the natural consequence
of being cold.
9.
Use one-liners when you do need to use
words. They make kids think, instead of
tuning you out. They place
responsibility on the child. They let
the child know you will not be provoked and are effective tools for you to use
to avoid power struggles and additional trauma triggers. The fewer the words, the better. Remember to use a CALM, matter-of-fact
voice. Sarcasm and anger counteract the
good one-liner. Some of my favorites:
a. “Sucks for you.” (Probably not appropriate in
the classroom, but you can modify it. Besides,
I was going for the laugh. Did you
laugh?)
b.
“Bummer,
Dude.”
c.
“What do you think about that?”
d.
“What are you going to do about that?”
e.
“How are you going to handle that?”
f.
“How would you handle that next time?”
g.
“Hmm, and how did that work for you?”
h.
“Thanks for your honesty.”
i.
“I respect you and myself too much to argue with
you.”
j.
If he/she
whines, “Why?” Say, “If you don’t
figure it out by [time], I’ll explain it to you.”
k.
“I listen to one person at a time. . . Thanks.”
l.
“I’ll be glad to listen when your voice is as
soft and as calm as mine.”
m.
When a
child tells you that “you never do” or
that “you don’t do” like another teacher say, “That’s right!”
n.
When the
child tries to argue say, “I know.”
(Student: Math rots! Teacher:
I know.)
o. When a student degrades himself and says,
“I can’t do this.” Or “I’m too stupid,” you say, “Aren’t you glad I don’t
believe that.” Then walk away.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions you may
have about older child adoption, international adoption, post-institutionalized
children, post traumatic stress disorder or attachment disorder. I look forward to partnering with you this year
so that my child learns all he can in your classroom.
Sincerely,
Your Student’s Parent
If you’re an adoptive parent and you haven’t yet read
Sherrie Eldridge’s book, “Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew,” you’re missing some good insight. The book will not reveal all the things
adopted kids wish their parents knew.
Some adopted kids (now adults) disagree with some of what Eldridge
writes. However, the book will give you
some knowledge of what it feels like to be adopted, and some seeds for thought as you try to understand the heart of
your child. I highly recommend you read
it. (I get no financial gain by saying
that.)
The thing is, my kids don’t care about those people very
much. They were temporary “mamas.” They were hired help. They weren’t family. It is family that caused the deepest pain and
left the biggest scars. It is to family my
kids wish they could communicate the things they want to be ingrained into
the soul of people living in Eastern Europe.
Here are 20 things my kids wish their biological family knew:
