Update on The Princess

Things are still hard for The Princess.  We are both very thankful for the people who have encouraged her through some pretty rough middle-school-mean-girl junk.  Thank you if you know us and you're one of those people who have taken time to edify her.

Mean Girl continues to be particularly cruel.  It doesn’t look like that is going to change any time soon.  The Princess can’t even glance her way without getting a dirty look.  Mean girl goes from laughing and joking to glaring at her and then turns her back and laughs and jokes some more.  The other day at track practice, the girls were told to get into groups.  The Princess started walking toward one particular group, but so did Mean Girl.  Mean Girl told her they didn’t need her in that group, making the decision for all the girls there.  The Princess has decided being on the track team isn’t all that important to her.

However (and this is a big “however”), she is doing very well handling all this.  She is really employing her tools to navigate a tough social situation.  She’s not talking to the girl.  She’s refraining from sending notes, trying to “fix” things (something very hard for her to do since she really does want things fixed).  And she’s being kind – to the very best of her ability – even when someone is unkind to her.  She comes home hurt every day and I hate, hate, hate that.  But I am very proud of her for the way she’s handling herself.

In therapy this morning, she told our therapist she knows she cannot control someone else’s behavior.  This is HUGE!  She knows that even though it hurts when she is treated poorly, it is because the other person has a problem and it’s not really about her.  She knows there are things she needs to continue to work on to improve her social skills.  She also knows she’s come a long way.  I am so proud of her.  I just wish more people understood.

Another thing that was great – wonderful – fantastic – totally awesome in therapy this morning was when our therapist told The Princess that even grownups sometimes struggle with these things.  She said she knew that.  She’d witnessed someone who had to deal with something similar lately.  Then she looked at me.  She said she knows when something’s going on even if people don’t tell her.  The therapist asked her if she wanted to tell her about that.  She said, “It’s not my story to tell.”

YEP!  She said THAT!  My 13 year-old said that!  How I wish some 40, 50, 60 year-olds understood that.  (Both the therapist and I looked at each other and got a little teary and proud.)

So yes, it’s been a hard few months around here.  But look how far she’s come!  I have a great kid.

Sometimes it Hurts Too Much

My little girl is home from school today.  The girl with whom she’s had a toxic friendship for some time, and with whom we tried to cool things off, is the reason she is home.  She just couldn’t take going to school and being around this kid.  She wouldn’t go to Sunday School yesterday because of her.  She doesn’t want to ever go back to youth group because of her.  When she walked into church, the girl looked at her in disgust and said, "tsk ugh."  As The Princess walked out of the sanctuary with our family, this girl turned away and whispered and giggled to another girl who quickly looked our way, then looked back and giggled louder.  It breaks my heart.

The Princess is desperate to be accepted.  I am desperate to help her.  Short of following her around school, I don't know what else to do.  I know middle school is hell.  I also know it’s more hellish now than it ever was when I was a kid.  It’s even harder for The Princess because of all the rejection and abandonment issues she’s had to face from her past.  She is a strong kid, don’t get me wrong.  She’s usually happy, too.  But, I’ve never seen her depressed until this one girl game into her life.  It doesn’t help that her parents cannot see their girl is also a hurt child, and that she DOES, in fact, lie to them about what’s happened.  They just told her to be "blunt" with the Princess.  Well, "blunt" was very hurtful.  They have no idea how far they've set this child back in healing.  All I can do is press on and try to protect my girl the best I can.

There are things I want The Princess to learn.  Most importantly, I want her to learn to NEVER beg for a friendship, especially from someone who sees “blunt” as an opportunity to be abusive.  She will never learn the difference between the two if she seeks out those kinds of "friends."  I want her to learn to love.  This is the teaching I find in our bible.  I don't find anywhere where we're supposed to tell our kids to "be blunt," especially if we're not giving them specific and loving guidance on the words to use.  I do not want her to learn to perpetuate abuse.  I also want her to learn that one other person’s opinion of her does not define her.  Not everyone will like us in this world.  And we will not always like the way another person behaves in this world.  For those who choose not to like us, we simply have to accept their choice and move on.  It's about them; it's not about us.  The Princess is a great kid and has far more people who love her than do not.

As for holding hurts, I want her to learn to let go of them as well.  I don't want her to hurt someone when she's been hurt.  We all make mistakes.

 I also want her to learn that people still have free will.  Some will never see the wrong they’ve done, nor ask forgiveness for it.  When that happens, all we can do is “let go and let God.” It's okay to question it, and struggle with it, but we cannot let it change us or make us bitter. 

Another thing I want my daughter to learn is to be genuine – to be free to be who she is without all the man-made masks people wear.  I don’t want her to put on fake smiles and “act” Christian.  I want her to be REAL, and to love people for who they are, where they are, even when they make a mistake, especially when they are repentant and apologize.  I want her to recognize hurting people and embrace them, rather than shun them.  I want her to be open and unafraid.  I don't want her to be guarded so much that she thinks she needs to protect herself from those who love her.  I want her to have friends that can take her love, but also recognize when she needs it, too and give some in return.    

It’s a life-long process, I suppose. 

I love this little girl so much.

So, we’re home today.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  For now we wait.  We're on our own little mother-daughter retreat.  

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

--Romans 12:12

Frenemies

I’m not going to make the claim that my daughter is a saint, but when she’s hurt because a “friend” is a mean girl, the mama bear in me certainly rises up.  I hate mean girl stuff.  I remember going through some of it myself when I was in junior high and high school, but I don’t remember it being as pervasive as it is now.  I also think it starts with girls at a much younger age now than it did in the past.  The Princess was dealing with mean girl stuff (including participating in it herself) as early as the third grade.  It is particularly vicious now that she is in 7^th grade.

My girl came home from school yesterday and asked to get on the computer.  I limit her computer use, but she is allowed to use it by going through her school’s start page.  The school district has Google apps set up for students.  They mainly use Google Docs.  I logged her on, and when she sat down, I asked her what class she was writing for in school.  She replied (without thinking fast enough to lie), “Oh, it’s not for school.”  She was writing a note to a “friend” who said some pretty mean things to her the last couple of days.  This is not the first time this “friend” has behaved this way.  I looked over her shoulder and saw she was writing to a girl we know who also has a traumatic past.  We know her from church as well as school.  What really got to me was that she was writing to beg for a restored relationship with this girl – one that would exclude another girl who does not like The Princess and isn’t afraid to say so.


It all sounds so junior-high-ish, doesn’t it?

Being popular.  Being accepted.  -- It is all so hugely important to a 13 year-old girl in the 7^th grade.  It’s her “whole life.”  It’s her social standing.  It’s about how she sees herself.  It’s about judging.  It’s about cattiness.  (And people used to wonder why most of my friends were guys when I was a kid.)  Again, I hate it.  I hate seeing my little girl in heaving sobs over these things.  I hate seeing her go to bed an hour early because she’s literally nauseous from the stress.  I hate the sadness in her eyes, because some kid decided to behave like a little jerk -- a kid who is supposed to be her friend -- and decided it would be fun to hurt her.  I also hate the realization that The Princess has undoubtedly done the same thing to other girls.

We can watch for signs that our girls are being targeted by mean girls (or that they are targeting someone themselves).  Some of the nasty things girls do to one another include:

• Saying something mean and then following it with "just joking"
• Leaving certain girls out of parties/play dates
• Giving someone the "silent treatment"

• Starting rumors/spreading gossip
• Threatening to take away friendship ("I won't be your friend anymore if...")

• Criticizing someone’s appearance (“Why are you wearing THAT?”)
• Forming "clubs" and excluding others
• "Forgetting" to save someone a seat
• Using social media and other technology to send hurtful messages

Of course, the list goes on.  (Feel free to add some of your own experiences in the comments section.)

We need to teach our daughters some specific skills.  I think for traumatized kids, meeting that need is particularly crucial.  Our girls need skills so that they can roll with these inevitable social punches – skills  that anti-bullying education doesn’t seem to be able to touch.  We need to teach them the girl saying mean things to them is most certainly not feeling great about herself.  She is diverting negative attention away from herself, and dumping it onto someone else.  We need to remind our girls to treat one another the way they’d like to be treated – even if someone else is behaving badly.  That doesn’t mean we teach them to be doormats.  It means we teach them to be kind.  (I remember a couple of verses from Proverbs my own mom taught me:  “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink.  In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the LORD will reward you.”  -- 25:21-22)

There are some good tools our kids can use to combat mean girl stuff and bullying.  I’m busy looking for resources today.  This video shows how kids can develop a couple of good comebacks for verbal assaults.  It also instructs parents to teach their kids not to allow the bully or mean girl to get a rise out of their target – to not give the negative attention that is being sought by the aggressor.  While I don’t necessarily agree with some of the examples this guy uses, I think it’s a good idea for us to help our kids come up with some things they can say themselves:

As a parent of a young teenage girl who is also a hurt child, it’s hard to determine where to draw the line on how far I go when I become involved.  The mama bear would very much like to rip into the jerky little frenemy and give her an education she’d never forget.  However, I think it is much more effective to keep the lines of communication open with my own sweet girl, so that she is able to continue to feel she can trust me with her hurts.  (Of course, if there were physical danger involved, I would do more than teach her to handle things – I’d be involved in a heartbeat.)  By keeping those lines of communication and trust open, I am in a much better position to teach her enduring social skills she can carry into adulthood.  Because let’s face it, there are a lot of adult mean girls out there, too.

Be kind to one another . . . (Ephesians 4:32)