Treading Water

Happily, Youngest Son is still working.  Still plugging along.  Still serving fish and busy as ever now that Lent is here.  He worked 5:30-8:00 last night for Ash Wednesday.  Of course, while so many things do not merit his attention, the ethnicity of people other than those of Caucasian European descent does not escape my boy.  His first comment to me when he got home and I asked how his night went was, "I've never seen so many Mexicans come in that place in one night!"  I just replied, "Hang on dear, Friday's coming!"  (He works twice that day -- over lunch and over dinner.  There is no school here on Friday this week.)

I have to admit I am surprised, and pleased, that he is sticking with this.  He hasn't tried to get out of work once and he apparently does his job as he is supposed to do it.  His manager is happy with him and the girls he works with all adore him (of course).  He is quite the charmer and funny guy.


He has even been more respectful at home these last few weeks.  I pray it lasts, but I'll admit I have gotten to a place where I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Always waiting to pay for whatever it is that triggers my kids when we all least expect it.  I've been struggling with the fact that I recognize this in myself.  I've wondered whether or not I've lost faith.  I've wondered if I just don't have what it takes, BUT -- BUT --- I have also realized that what I have and what I can do is okay -- that it is what I can do and I don't need to compare that to anyone else, including the "good mom" in my head.  I am a good mom -- even when I drop an f-bomb in frustration and exasperation.  Even when I wish I'd never adopted.  Even when I want to run away.  I am a good mom and I love my kids and they are awesome and I cannot imagine living through the things they've lived through and being as great as they are -- right now -- today -- whether a shoe drops or not.


With that in mind, I am seriously considering putting The Princess back in public middle school.  We have gotten into a cycle of her being lazy (not stressed - not reactionary - not triggered - L.A.Z.Y.) and me being fed up.  I do not like my behavior when I am fed up.  I do not like this cycle.  I have decided I NEED to take care of me, and that I've probably LOST some of me -- no, that I have indeed lost some of me along the last five plus years of this journey.  I want me back and I want her better than ever.  That may mean The Princess gets out of my house 7.5 hours a day.  Soon.  Not sure yet.  But I'm close . . .


I'll keep you posted.

On another note, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!  Give yourself a gift and take a listen to this BEAUTIFUL love song by Billy Kaplan (that is, Billy Kaplan from Parenting in S.P.A.C.E.).  Have some tissue ready.


Click here or above for the SONG.  Click to learn about Parenting in S.P.A.C.E.

When The World Gets Smaller

Last week, when The Princess stayed home from school with me, she felt protected and safe.  She poured her little heart out to me and the little girl still stuck inside felt protected.  There wasn’t a lot of “stuff” going on around in her big world, and she was able to process the things that were happening while in the smaller world of home.  She needed a break.  As soon as she got back to school, things ramped up again.  School is not a safe place for The Princess right now.  Her needs are not being well met there, and I’m tired of “reminding” everyone all the time that she does indeed have special needs.  Since they don’t get to see the fall out (or they ignore it like one teacher did last week), they don’t think there’s anything wrong.

I’ve considered homeschooling The Princess for a long time now.  In fact, I almost pulled her out of public school in January.  I wrote about that struggle a couple of days ago.  It’s a tough decision, but the decision is made.  She’s definitely staying home for 8^th grade.  I’m enrolling her in either Alpha Omega’s or ACE’s online academy.  (Leaning toward AO, but not sure yet.)  I’m getting her involved in the local homeschool group, and I’m keeping her away from kids that bring out the worst in her, for at least a little while longer, so she has time to catch up emotionally and hopefully mature to her chronological age.  Her brother came a long way this last year.  In fact, he's been pretty amazing and he's working hard at therapy and in using the tools he's been taught to navigate the world.  I’m hoping for the same in our girl.

Last night, she was going on and on -- just constant chatter -- about boys, and clothes, and mean girl stuff.  She was telling me what she was going to do, and what I was going to buy her, and how things were going to be at school next year.  (Obviously, she forgot WHO she was talking to.)  

I was not going to do it this way.  The talk about homeschool was going to be easy.  I was going to use the calm, sit-down, “we’re doing this to help you” speech at a time when she was quiet and all was well with the world.  Instead, big mouth me blurted out, “But you’re not GOING to XYZ School next year!”  [Cue loud braking sound.]

At first, the claws started to come out.  I could see the rage coming up from her.  I pulled myself back in and calmly said, “And just so you know, I’m not playing the rage game today.”  [Again, cue loud braking sound.]  She quickly realized that wasn’t going to work.  (‘Must be doing SOMETHING right.)

I explained she was going to be homeschooled and that we were going to do a lot of it online with an accredited Christian academy with certified teachers helping us.  I told her about activities and friends with the local home school group.  I told her there would be no need for the list of things she said she "needed" for 8th grade at the middle school.

Next came the pleading and the bargaining.  “But I’ll only have to go to 8^th grade at home if I get my grades back up and act better, right?  I’ll still get to go to high school, right?  I want to go to high school!”  I reminded her I don’t make promises other than that I will be here, love her, and take care of her in the way she needs me to, always -- as long as I'm alive.  I am not promising what school will be like in 9^th grade.  I am working on 8^th grade.  HOWEVER, once we started homeschool, it would not be my preference to go back to public school.  She tried to bargain again.  I said, "I’m finished with this discussion."

I reminded The Princess that I was making decisions to help her do well in life, not to punish her, or to make her life miserable.  She zinged me with, “Yeah, but Dad thinks you’re going to make your own life miserable.”  

I asked her if she WANTED me to be miserable.  She said, “No.”  I said, “Good, because HOW I feel is up to me and I choose to look forward to my time learning, going places, and having FUN with you next year!”  Smile.  Smile.  Tilted head, with shoulders up, goofy smile.

She decided to spend the evening in her room, sulking, writing notes and tearing them up, and reading.  That’s okay.  This morning, she was telling me all about the book she was reading and she was being my sweet girl again.  

I haven’t homeschooled since my youngest bio-boy was in 8^th grade.  That was five years ago.  I’m going to have to shake some mental dust off and get organized, but I’m jazzed about it.  Six months to prepare.  I can do this!

Post-Institutionalized Adopted Kids and the Homeschooling vs. Socialization Argument

When we brought our (then) nine-year-old daughter, and 12-year-old son home, they were very much lacking in age-appropriate education.  The Princess had the equivalent of a kindergarten student (“grade zero”) and Youngest Son was at about a second grade level, even though he’d completed what they called “grade three” at his orphanage for special needs children.  The kids were also the smallest nine and 12-year-old children in our town.  At 12, Youngest Son wore clothes that fit most American eight or nine-year old boys.  The Princess wore hand-me-downs from a little girl who was five at the time.  Neither child was ready to be put into school with age-peers. 

Before Hubby and I traveled to adopt our two young ones, I was fully prepared to homeschool them when they got home.  Afterall, I’d homeschooled their older brothers until they reached high school.  Easy peasy.  I thought I could do it with these two, also.  Not a problem.  Then I got stuck in country in 100-110 degree heat, on the 3^rd floor of an old Soviet apartment building that had no air conditioning, with two very energetic young children, while fighting against a system steeped in corruption that entire summer.  Fun times.

My kids went to public school five days after we got home.  

The Princess started school in 2^nd grade at age nine.  Youngest Son went into 5^th grade at age 12. 

After a hellish summer, trying to parent two traumatized kids with attachment issues -- kids who could not understand me, and who I could not understand, and after putting up with every Russian-speaking person around me wanting to parent my kids “for” me in a way that would not allow my kids to even BEGIN to see me as their mom, I gave up on the idea of homeschooling.  I was completely exhausted physically and emotionally.  I did not have it in me to homeschool these two kids.  After seeing how cooped up they felt all summer, I believed they needed time with other kids, away from me.  I still believe they needed that then.  Actually, I still believe Youngest Son needs that.  In fact, he’s doing very well in high school.  It is true that I dreaded him going to high school, but his grades are good enough and he’s “making it” (so far) this year.  He is using good discernment for the most part, and he's hanging out with kids who are good kids.  As for The Princess?  Yeah, not so much.

Until this semester, The Princess had straight A’s.  In fact, she skipped from 4^th grade into 6^th grade last school year.  This caught her up so that she was placed closer to age peers.  She was able to keep up with the work and still keep her 4.0 average.  This semester, however, her grades dropped significantly.  She’s gotten wrapped up in girl drama and she’s boy crazy.  This has caused her to sink both socially and emotionally.  Her discernment is out the window – at least during the 7.25 hrs. of school each day, and she’s attracted to other kids from hurt backgrounds whose behavior is less than desirable.  

The Princess is now in the 7^th grade.  I nearly pulled her out of school in January because she has been struggling so much these last several months.  Now, I’m nearly certain she will not be attending 8^th grade in the public school.  

Things at the public school just seem to be getting worse for The Princess.  She’s too smart for this.  She’s too valuable for this.  The thing is, she’s not convinced of that right now.  Because she’s not beating kids up, or stealing property, or cheating on tests, the folks at school just aren’t paying attention.  They don’t care if her grades are A’s or C’s – as long as she does okay on the standardized tests.  (Sorry, but that is the TRUTH.  Like it or not, if you know me and happen to be a teacher in our school district, it isn't personal.  I think we have very good schools and teachers where I live, but I also know our teachers do not have the time to care as much as we’d like to believe they do.  If they did, I would have gotten some calls or emails last week.  I know of at least one teacher that saw The Princess struggling, yet did not take five minutes to tell me about it.)

Thankfully, The Princess and I spent a LOT of time together last week.  She is attached enough, and trusts me enough, and was able to pour her heart out to me.  She handled things well.  She was mature for the most part.  She processed some really hard stuff.  She used her tools from therapy.  Her world was made small by me on purpose, and I was a big, big part of that world.  It helped her feel safe.  I protected her when she needed it.  Yet, I also let her handle things, navigating some hard stuff on her own, because she needed that, too.  She did great!  Making her world smaller helped.  Consequently, I am convinced The Princess needs more time in a smaller world.  So, unless God zaps me over the head between now and August or shows me differently, I’m pretty sure The Princess will either be homeschooled, or will attend a near-by Christian school next school year.  (Right now, that decision is hinging on some financial planning with Hubby.  However, I am leaning heavily toward homeschooling.)

Does this look a little like "Mr. Bill?"

I am looking at both Alpha Omega’s online academy and ACE’s(Accelerated Christian Education) online school.  My older boys used the (P)ACE’s in their Christian school as little boys.  I used Alpha Omega’s LifePaks with them when we homeschooled.  I like both programs.  I’m just trying to decide which would be best for The Princess.  If we begin to homeschool, I want her to complete the program through 12^th grade.  Both are accredited.  Both have retreats, missions projects, and even regional graduation ceremonies.  She would get a diploma and a transcript, just like at a “regular” school.  (If you’re a praying person, would you pray for wisdom for me on this decision?)

The Princess is such a little social butterfly.  The good news is we have a homeschool group in town that meets at the church right next door to our house.  I had tea this morning with one of the moms who takes her kids there.  It sounds like it would meet both The Princess’ social need, as well as my need for help in  higher math (like trig and calculus).  It would also provide physical education opportunities.  The argument of having “no friends,” and not having her “socialization” needs met would not be a valid argument – at least not in this town.  In fact, the socialization she WOULD experience would be the kind I want for her.  I want her to learn to edify others rather than tear them down.  I also want her to develop discernment and be able to navigate the hard stuff when I’m not around.

The challenge for me will be getting organized.  I’ve been so very disorganized these last 4.5 years.  This is not who I am -- not prior to adoption anyhow.  When I start to think about THAT, I get overwhelmed.  I don’t know where to start.  (This is not an opening for a sales pitch on some company's organization system, so don’t even try it.)

Perhaps if I start by moving furniture around this weekend?  Hmmm, Hubby is going to be thrilled.  (Yes, that’s sarcasm.)