TMT Answers a Reader Question on “Borrowing”

“Dear TMT - I am wondering if you have any advice to give about dealing with one of our children who "borrows" things from siblings without asking.  The siblings are really becoming annoyed because the "taker" does not share her own things but feels that everyone should share with her.  We have talked about how she would not like it, how it is wrong, and she grudgingly admits this, but does not change behavior.   All four of our children were adopted at the same time, and are chronologically right on top of each other.   We have tried to use something "important" to the taker as the consequence for this behavior, but have not come up with anything that seems to work.  Hoping for any wisdom or insight you might have.   Many thanks, Sandy”

Wow Sandy, that’s rough.  We’ve been through some of that kind of thing around here.  You might want to read some of my earlier posts on stealing and lying.  We stopped allowing anyone to call taking someone else's property without permission  “borrowing” and called it what it was – stealing.  If you or I “borrowed” our next door neighbor’s car without asking them, and without them giving us permission to do so, they would have every right to report us to the police for grand theft auto – whether we returned the vehicle or not.  So, my first suggestion (since you asked – wink, wink) is to call the action what it is.  Your daughter is stealing.

As therapeutic parents, our first and foremost act of love, including discipline as love, is to CONNECT.  (See yesterday’s post on Dr. Michael Popkin’s FLAC method of dealing with behavior issues.)  Our traumatized kids often feel as though they are missing out somehow – on something.  My daughter, when she is dysregulated will tell us we do not love her because we have not given her some of the possessions her older brothers have.  Youngest Son went through some of the same kind of crud last year.  He was stealing iPods, his adult brother’s external hard drive, computer equipment, wires out of drawers in my office, flash drives, and pretty much anything else he thought he could use to rig up his hidden computer lab – while also stealing internet connection from a neighbor that used our street name as their network password.  (Youngest Son is quite cleaver.)

It was really, really hard.  I wanted to whomp him upside the head, but he needed connection.  He needed to feel safe, no matter what, before I could ever teach him anything, and before he could ever understand the restitution and restoration he had to do to make things right in the community and in our home. 

Some people teach parents of traumatized kids to hide any anger from their child while reassuring them they are loved.  After all, it is about them and not about us.  Ehh, I'm not so hip on that -- not in all cases, anyhow.

I don’t know how old your children are.  Mine were nine and 12 years old when they came home.  They are 13 and 16 now.  Their birthdays are in the summer, so they’ll be 14 and 17 all too soon for my liking.  Our fifth year anniversary home will be in August 2012.  

With Youngest Son, I felt as though I didn’t have a whole lot of time left to teach him that stealing was not only wrong, but that it could land him in heaps of trouble.  So while I reassured him I loved him no matter what – that he was my son no matter what, his behavior was not something I loved.  In fact, I hated it.  I would not accept it.  It embarrassed me and made me quite angry.  I would not allow him to continue on that path by “fixing” things for him and letting him be the victim, or the "poor little orphan boy who didn't know better."

When I found he'd stolen the iPods, he returned them to authority figures in the places he “found” them.  (He has never yet admitted to stealing them, but we still call it what it is.  He didn’t “find” them.)  We involved the school police officer in one case.  Youngest Son got a lecture about jail, and I told him I would not bail him out if he got arrested.  I meant it.  I still do.  As for the internet usage, I marched him across the street and had him tell the neighbor they needed to change their password to something a lot less easy to guess.  His relationship with his older brother suffered for quite a while.  This adult son is my most easy-going of the older children, but even easy-going people don’t like to have their stuff taken.  Thankfully, Youngest Son got it - eventually.  We didn’t let it go.  We talked about it again and again.  We took opportunity to discuss it when we saw "stupid criminals" on the evening news or when some other kid got in trouble at school.  We talked about choices.  We talked about consequences.  We talked about the real world – and that people in the world were not going to give him the benefit of the doubt he'd gotten in the past in therapy and at home.  We talked about how he’d missed out on a lot of things,that he could not live as “the victim” all his life and enjoy the success he wanted and have the THINGS he wanted.  We talked about responsibility and how freedom and “big kid” stuff like electronics come with maturity and respect for oneself and others.  Again, it wasn’t easy.  There were a lot of days I thought he’d end up in jail sooner or later.  

Today, I took him driving downtown for the first time.  He has his learner's permit.  He’s had a great school year.  He’s matured.  He’s straightened up his act.  He’s been responsible and has shown genuine care for others, their belongings, and their feelings.  He’s ready for big kid stuff because he’s grown up and has proven he is ready for them.

What we did with Youngest Son is not what a lot of therapeutic parents would tell most other parents to do.  Some kids with more severe RAD issues may not respond to the way we handled things as Youngest Son did.  However, if your child is older – a teenager who needs to grow up and take responsibility for her actions, perhaps, then my biggest suggestion would be to stop allowing her actions to be called “borrowing.”  She is stealing her siblings’ belongings.  Connect with her.  Tell her you can see by her actions she is feeling like she needs a better connection to you, or her siblings, and that you want to be that connection for her – material items won’t fill that need.

Figure out a way to limit her exposure to her siblings belongs.  Place limits on EVERYONE so that the entire amily understands what belongings are special things that should not be touched by anyone else.  Be clear about your expectations.  What can your family tolerate?  What limits do you want?  What limits can you live with?  If she steals someone else’s mp3 player, for example, can you live with stripping her room of all electronics?  Can you limit electronics (or whatever it is she keeps taking) to use only in common areas of the home, such as the family room?  (We don’t allow computers in bedrooms, for example – not even the parents have a computer in the bedroom.)

Come up with some alternatives as a family.  Are there some belongings the siblings CAN share?  Are there some personal items that are okay to use, even if someone isn’t around to ask or grant permission for their use?  If I want to spiral curl my hair and my sister owns a flat iron that she keeps in the bathroom that we share, is it okay for me to use that flat iron without asking her first?

Discuss consequences BEFORE the next temptation to steal.  Logically, I would think that would include returning the item, giving some kind of service to the person who was wronged, and paying for any time or costs involved in making things right.  Talk about how the other person feels and what they would like to see happen for restitution for taking the item, and most importantly, what is needed for restoration of the relationship.  The problem should be owned by the person who broke the relationship to begin with, but the one who was hurt needs to be willing to reconcile for restoration of the relationship to begin.  The person who is repentant can be completely remorseful, even do everything biblically required of them to restore the relationship, but if the other person is unwilling to move forward, to forgive and to love, then no one is going to heal.

Our pastor talked about justification and redemption this morning.  He gave an example of the story of the prodigal son.  When that young man returned home, his father did not say, “You wronged me.  You did me harm.”  He accepted the son’s apology and welcomed him home with open arms.  He even threw a party.

Celebrate when she “gets it.”  It’s a big deal.  Teach the other kids to celebrate her successes, but not to minimize her actions or accept unacceptable behavior.

I hope that helps you.  If you want to add more detail below about the ages of your children, please do.  I hope it is okay with you that I copied your comment and pasted it above as a new blog post.  I ask my readers to not include our family’s names in comments if they know who we are.  I want to be as open as possible to help my readers as I help myself sort through things when I write.  Thanks for understanding.  Just call me “TMT.”  

  

Sum-sum-summer Time: Transitioning Traumatized and Attachment Disordered Kids from Routine to Vacation

It’s interesting to me that the most read posts here over the past week are those having to do with IEP meetings, adoption issues, and teacher education on trauma and attachment.  In order, these most read posts are:

Preparing for an IEPor 504 Plan Meeting:  The Basics forParents

Identifying PTSD and RAD/RADish Issues

Fact Sheets for the Classroom

Dear Teacher:  Six Dreaded Assignments

Dear Teacher:  About My Child in Your Classroom

It seems a lot of my dear readers are busy preparing for the next school year, lining things up for their child to make for an easier transition into a higher grade, or even a higher level school.  It is good to prepare for this.  It is good to learn and to teach those who will teach your child what they need to know.  It is good to let them know your child has different abilities than typical students.  However, there is something else we parents need to do as we prepare.  We need to prepare for the transition of school routine into the more laid back and take-it-as-they-come days of summer.

If your family is like mine, you may already be seeing signs of stress in your kids as the school year winds down.  My kids get out of school the third week of May.  My daughter-in-law graduates from college next weekend, too and we plan to travel to attend her graduation.  In response to that stress, things have begun to ramp up around here.  The Princess has gotten into trouble at school and she’s had more issues at home more often.  She is struggling with peer relationships again.  She complains of being bored often, but will not respond to any suggestions to break that boredom.  Youngest Son is, so far, handling this time of year the best he ever has, but even he has gotten more snippy and has even less tolerance for his little sister than normal. 

Dr. Michael H. Popkin, Ph.D.

So, if you’ve recognized the summertime transition stress rearing its ugly head in your home, here are some things we’re trying to employ in our family.  Maybe some of these things will work for you.  These tools are based on Dr. Michael Poplin’s FLAC method of active parenting.  (I teach his Active Parenting course to parent inmates in our local county jail.)  For the purpose of parenting my hurt kids, I also intertwine things I’ve learned from Dr.Karen Purvis, Dr. Bruce Perry, things I learned in grad school as I studied the “old school” psychologists such as Alfred Adler (the individual as an indivisible whole), Erik Erickson (basic trust vs. mistrust), and a little of what Heather Forbes teaches as well.  Below is a brief explanation of FLAC as practiced in our home:

F L A C 

Connect.  Connect.  Connect.  (The “F” of FLAC – Feelings.)  Remember the parenting mantra of the 80’s?  “Quality is more important than quantity.”  Well, it’s bunk.  Ten minutes of so-called quality time does not equal one hour of real face time.  Our kids need us around them to connect.  Relationships take time.  Relationships need time.   Karen Purvis teaches that traumatized and attachment disordered kids are lonely kids.  They need connection.  They want connection – even when they push connection away.  Connect.  Connect.  Connect.

When Youngest Son comes in from track practice, I stop whatever I’m doing.  I touch him.  I put a hand on his shoulder or his head.  Sometimes, I put an arm around his waist and give him a sideways hug and joke with him that it “smells like” he had a good work out.  We laugh.  He tells me about his day.  We connect.  It makes us both feel good.

When I pick The Princess up from school at the end of the day, I watch her body language and her facial expressions as she approaches the car.  If she looks stressed, I tell her so.  If she is hyper, I ask her if she’s happy about something that happened at school – or if maybe something happened that frightened her a little bit.  Sometimes she talks right away.  Other times, she waits.  I take her to a fast food drive-in that has a “happy hour” where the drinks are half price.  We share a strawberry lime-aid.  We giggle.  We talk. 

At home, especially when things get more stressful, we try to spend even more face time with the kids.  Even if we’re sitting on the same sofa and watching a movie together and NOT talking, we’re together.  We’re connecting.  It feels good.

The World Gets a Little Smaller.  (The “L” in FLAC – Limits.)  Those who know trauma and attachment issues know when stress increases, the world needs to decrease.  It helps our kids feel safe.  It helps them regulate themselves better.  It helps them deal with a larger world later.  As parents, we need to set limits for our families.  What works for us may not work for another family, and that’s okay.  This year, for us, that means allowing Youngest Son to run track and have a little bit of free time with some buddies after practice is over, but he gets home by 5:30 and is here to set the table for dinner.  It means he has the freedom he’s earned as he has matured and done so well in school and in the community, but he’s got to be home when he's expected.  It means he only taking driving lessons from Mom (Dad drives him crazy in the car), and not just anyone over 21.  For The Princess, it means one-to-one play dates with trusted kids from stable families – kids in whom she can find a mature-for-their-age and positive role model.  It means thrift store shopping dates with Mom and craft sessions making bracelets.  It means rules that work for our family and rules we stick by.

In the past, when things have REALLY gotten out of control, limits have included removing bedroom and closet doors and accompanying teens to and from (and sometimes during) all activities.  You do what you have to do when it’s appropriate to do it.  You let lose the reigns a bit as the child is able to handle it.  For Youngest Son, that has meant a lot more freedom since this time last year.  He has matured far more than I ever imagined he would at this point and he is handling it well.  For The Princess, things got harder this year.  Middle school was rough.  We’ll spend some time regrouping.  She’s a smart and motivated kid.  I know deep down she’ll get there, too.  For now, her world is smaller than it is for typical 13 year old girls.  She is a hurt kid dealing with a lot of stuff.

Be Ready with Choices.  (The “A” in FLAC – Alternatives.)  Even though our kids are sometimes so out of control it’s crazy-crazy, they NEED to feel as though they have some control over themselves and their lives.  So much of their early life was out of their control.  They had no choices.  They were victims.  In our family, we often say we don’t want to be the victim anymore.  We don’t want our kids to grow up being a victim.  As they’ve gotten older, they understand what that means. 

Alternatives can mean giving a child a choice between two things.  For example, my daughter LOVES the battle of the clothing war, especially on Sunday mornings.  One of our “L” (limits) in our family is that we dress modestly.  For us, that means no cleavage and no spaghetti straps unless they’re layered over a top that covers more.  It means no short-shorts or short skirts unless they’re layered over at least capri-length leggings.  My daughter often gets into the mode of “forgetting” what the dress code limits are.  Now, we give her alternatives the night before.  She has the freedom to choose an outfit, but we have the freedom to add to that outfit, or suggest alternatives.  If her choice is inappropriate for our family’s limits, she gets to choose between two alternatives decided upon by us.  Does it keep her from pushing her father to buy her a bikini every time they go to Walmart to pick up milk?  No.  But she knows the limits. 

Choices can also mean a choice between compliance or a choice to miss out on something they want.  For example, one of my daughter’s chores is to empty the dishwasher when she gets home from school.  She also loves to play on the Wii after school each day.  The LIMIT is that she needs to put the dishes away BEFORE she can play on the Wii.  She can choose to put the dishes away right away and play on the Wii before supper.  Or, she can choose to put the dishes away later, but then there is no time to play on the Wii because then it’s dinner time, shower time, and Dad & Mom’s TV time.  She has choices within our family’s limits.

Back it Up With Natural Consequences.  (The “C” in FLAC – Consequences.)  When our kids fail to comply with our LIMITS or don’t agree with the CHOICES (Alternatives) we allow, there are natural consequences to their behavior to teach them the discipline they need to learn.  An example Dr. Popkin gives in his Active Parenting course is one in which a older child is instructed to put his bike away and not leave it in the drive way.  The first time it happens, his dad tells him how leaving his bike out is inconvenient for his dad.  When it happens, Dad has to stop the car, get out, and move the bike before he can park the car.  He asks his son to remember to put the bike away and asks if he agrees to do that.

When it happens again, Dad is more firm.  He uses “I” messages to tell his son how he feels when he comes home and has to move the bike.  He tells his son he feels like his son doesn’t care about his feelings.  Again, he (more firmly, but still calmly) asks his son if he agrees to put the bike away.  However, when it happens a third time, Dad takes the bike and locks it up for a period of time (one day for each year of emotional age of the child is my suggestion).  This is a natural consequence for not taking care of the bike.  Since the son was not interested in doing it, Dad took action and took care of the bike in a way that solved his problem and demonstrated to his son that he needed to take responsibility.  Our actions (or lack of action) have consequences. 

Natural Consequences Scene from "Active Parenting" by Dr. Michael Popkin

When we have the routine of school, FLAC seems to be much easier to accomplish in our family.  Our attachment disordered kids thrive best with routine.  Summer isn’t so routine around here.  We’re going to try to do better with that this year, even as we give our Youngest Son more freedom and monitor The Princess to see how she’s doing.  Here’s what we’re going to try with our teens during the work week:

No later than 10:00am- Out of bed, breakfast, dress, etc.

10:30am - Some free time to “wake up.”  None of us are morning people.

11:00 - Daily chores (straighten bedroom, straighten common areas of house)

11:30 – Screen time (Wii, TV, or computer)

12:30pm - lunch

1:00 - Library, Pool, Rec Center to play ball, or volunteer position at animal shelter (time with friends in more structured environment than just “hanging out”)

4:00 - Free time at home – Can have a friend over

5:30 - Evening chores (Youngest Son sets table.  The Princess empties the dishwasher.)

6:30 - Dinner with family

7:00 – Evening activity or free time with family

9:00 – Shower time for The Princess

10:00 – Shower time for Youngest Son *unless out with youth group on planned outing, Bed time for The Princess

11:00pm – Normal bedtime for Youngest Son (and parents)

You’ll see our planned scheduled is structured only to a certain extent.  There’s a lot of time in the schedule for flexibility within the structure.  I find that when my kids have too many activities and events planned, we run into irritability and resistance.  I want them to enjoy their vacation.  However, I don’t want them to feel “lost” during the summer.  We’ve made that mistake in the past.  My kids like to know what happens next.  Youngest Son especially has ALWAYS needed to know “the plan.”  Vacations where the whole family goes away to relax and take things as they come, drive him nuts.  They are especially stressful times for him.  Still, every 16 year old, whether emotionally 16 or not, needs down time.  If he gets up before 10 a.m., that’s okay.  I’m not going to make him get up earlier, however.

Having this more structured time over the summer I hope will also help my kids make the transition into the next school year more smoothly.  The schedule will change, but at least we’ll be going from schedule to schedule – not from “whatever” to schedule.  That’s the plan.  I’ll let you know how it goes in August.