Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Setting Boundaries

Yesterday, I wrote about the very real need to make connection with other parents who are walking this walk, raising kids who are diagnosed with PTSD, RAD, ADD/ADHD, etc. (a.k.a. kids with traumatic pasts).  I wrote how important it is to find others who get it.  Today, I want to swing in the opposite direction and talk about setting boundaries - setting limits - even removing ourselves from those who are not supportive, who trigger us, discourage us, compete in some sick way with us and are always looking for a fight.

I don't know about you, but I'm too tired to fight, be it overtly or in a passive aggressive manner.  (Not that I'm not tempted to get sucked in from time-to-time.)

One of my older sons is finishing up college this fall and was offered a position as a worship pastor at a small local church.  The church's lead pastor is a young man who is an awesome leader and very good preacher.  I believe he will be an excellent mentor for my son and am excited that one of my Original Boy Band guys will have this opportunity.  All that to say, Hubby and I went to church there last Sunday.  The pastor preached about idleness and disruptive believers - a.k.a. "church family members."  Here's one of the scripture references from that sermon:

"In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, we command you, brothers and sisters, to keep away from every believer who is idle and disruptive and does not live according to the teaching you received from us." -- II Thessalonians 3:6

I didn't like that verse.

I was raised to "bear all things."  I wasn't raised to separate myself from someone even if they were idle or disruptive.  I was raised to put up with it and to try my best for as long as it took (even if it took forever) to lovingly teach, guide, even comfort the idle or disruptive person.  I have even taught others something that became a catch phrase for me in my therapeutic parenting classes:  Hurt people hurt people.

Now, before I go any further, let me make it clear I am not talking about our hurt kids.  That's different.  They are ours and at least while they are still children, it is our responsibility to lovingly teach, guide and comfort them - even when they are idle or disruptive.  The folks I'm talking about are the ones that make our lives miserable or just enjoy yanking our chains for their own entertainment.

Without going into detail, I'm finally to the point where I know I need to come to a place where I give myself permission to bear all things from a distance.  It's even okay to make that distance as between here and the other side of this life.  I can bear all things through prayer, believe and hope all things and even love without having to allow the disruptive person to be in my face.  It's okay to separate myself from that.

Every village seems to have one or two.

And so I have in some cases.  In one case it's a mom whose adopted children are about the same age as mine.  She's had plenty of problems, far bigger than any I've had with my kids.  I believe a huge part of it has to deal with parenting and she just triggers me because she tries to argue with me, or at least persuade me with her way of thinking every chance she gets.  She's a busy body who always has something to say, something to add.  That's disruptive to me and to my peace.  I don't need that trigger.  In another case, it's an extended family member who cannot for whatever reason respect anyone else's feelings in the family.  

I still care about these people, but I'm finished with the disruption.  It's okay to be finished with disruption.

So, while you're going beyond yourself like I talked about yesterday, remember you can still be choosy.  Don't let just anyone in.  You don't need any idle or disruptive friends.  


Diana said...

Boundaries are a HUGE part of healing! There is no safety for anyone without them. Great post...and good to see you blogging again. I've started, but haven't been able to maintain enough steam to keep going.

Beth T said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Beth T said...

Thanks, Diana. It's been a hard thing for me to do. As women, I think we're wired to take care of others but it's impossible to take care of anyone when you're not getting the care you need yourself. That includes the care to not be used or abused. Constant disruption or chronic disruption is abusive.