Thursday, February 14, 2013

Treading Water

Happily, Youngest Son is still working.  Still plugging along.  Still serving fish and busy as ever now that Lent is here.  He worked 5:30-8:00 last night for Ash Wednesday.  Of course, while so many things do not merit his attention, the ethnicity of people other than those of Caucasian European descent does not escape my boy.  His first comment to me when he got home and I asked how his night went was, "I've never seen so many Mexicans come in that place in one night!"  I just replied, "Hang on dear, Friday's coming!"  (He works twice that day -- over lunch and over dinner.  There is no school here on Friday this week.)

I have to admit I am surprised, and pleased, that he is sticking with this.  He hasn't tried to get out of work once and he apparently does his job as he is supposed to do it.  His manager is happy with him and the girls he works with all adore him (of course).  He is quite the charmer and funny guy.

He has even been more respectful at home these last few weeks.  I pray it lasts, but I'll admit I have gotten to a place where I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Always waiting to pay for whatever it is that triggers my kids when we all least expect it.  I've been struggling with the fact that I recognize this in myself.  I've wondered whether or not I've lost faith.  I've wondered if I just don't have what it takes, BUT -- BUT --- I have also realized that what I have and what I can do is okay -- that it is what I can do and I don't need to compare that to anyone else, including the "good mom" in my head.  I am a good mom -- even when I drop an f-bomb in frustration and exasperation.  Even when I wish I'd never adopted.  Even when I want to run away.  I am a good mom and I love my kids and they are awesome and I cannot imagine living through the things they've lived through and being as great as they are -- right now -- today -- whether a shoe drops or not.

With that in mind, I am seriously considering putting The Princess back in public middle school.  We have gotten into a cycle of her being lazy (not stressed - not reactionary - not triggered - L.A.Z.Y.) and me being fed up.  I do not like my behavior when I am fed up.  I do not like this cycle.  I have decided I NEED to take care of me, and that I've probably LOST some of me -- no, that I have indeed lost some of me along the last five plus years of this journey.  I want me back and I want her better than ever.  That may mean The Princess gets out of my house 7.5 hours a day.  Soon.  Not sure yet.  But I'm close . . .

I'll keep you posted.

On another note, HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!  Give yourself a gift and take a listen to this BEAUTIFUL love song by Billy Kaplan (that is, Billy Kaplan from Parenting in S.P.A.C.E.).  Have some tissue ready.

Click here or above for the SONG.  Click to learn about Parenting in S.P.A.C.E.

1 comment:

Courtney said...

I had to laugh out loud at the sentences about "the good mom". I, too, am counseling myself about comparisons. It is so hard not to compare ourselves with others! One of the reasons I read other people's blogs is because of the encouragement I get from people who have BTDT and also do not look like everyone else. It is encouraging to me to know I am not the only one who gets exasperated, or loses my temper, or has a less-than-stellar parenting moment (or...many). :)