How to be a Rock Star Therapeutic Parent

I’ve heard from several moms lately who think they have “failed” as a therapeutic parent because they’re tired and they’ve reacted to one of their children’s many, repeated over and over again behaviors.  There is such a pervasive culture among adoptive parents to be the perfect, non-reactive parent because this supposedly is what truly demonstrates unconditional love.  The ideas that were supposed to liberate parents and children to give them a new beginning and to create relationship have become an unbearable weight for too many tired moms who just cannot live the ideal perfect therapeutic parenting life they’ve perceived others must be living.  It breaks my heart and makes me angry all at the same time. 

Yep, I’m reacting!  Dang it all!  I’m reacting because I’m tired of seeing other moms feel like they don’t measure up and that they’ll never be like the portrayal of someone else’s public self.

If I can get my wonderful fellow trauma mamas to understand one thing it would be this:  YOU ARE AWESOME!  You are doing a job few others can do.  Few people choose to do the job you’re doing because it’s freakin’ HARD!  You are raising a hurt kid with problems and issues and mental and physical trauma that no kid should ever have to endure, and through which no parent should have to navigate.   This life of living with trauma and attachment issues caused by another adult before we knew our children is HARD.  You are an amazing success!

I am tired of parents being led to believe they must become the image they have in their heads of “perfect therapeutic parents” like Heather Forbes or Christine Moers.  Granted, these are very nice ladies.  They are intelligent and charismatic.  They are obviously very capable mothers with lots of experience and lots to share.  But they are not perfect.  Heather Forbes has had to navigate through tremendous personal loss.  Christine Moers may look like one, but she is no more a rock star than you and I are.  I believe both women would admit they react to their kids’ behaviors sometimes, too.  I believe they would admit they do not always disengage.  They do not always feel loving warm fuzzies toward their hurt kids.  I’d bet there are even moments they wish their kids were “normal” and wonder what life would have been like if they hadn’t adopted.  The difference between them and me, or them and you is they earn their livings by teaching the good stuff they’ve learned.  Did you hear that?  Teaching the good stuff they’ve learned is their BUSINESS.  That’s why you see and read all the good stuff.  Yes, it is a business born of love and of wanting to help others, but they are business women.  Look beyond that and know they are also just moms – no better and no worse than you.  Heather and Christine and other business women like them are awesome.  But YOU are awesome, too!

As my kids get older, the more I realize they need to learn the world is not going to give a crap that they come from a hurt background.  If my kids pull the kind of stuff “out there” that they pull here sometimes, they’re going to end up pretty lonely at best and in jail at worst.  People in the world are not going to put up with their reactions and triggers to trauma.  They need to use the tools they have (medication and behavior modification and therapy when it’s appropriate) to navigate the world outside the doors of the home where their therapeutic mother lives.  If they treat someone like a jerk, they’re going to get a reaction.  So here, at home, if I react sometimes – if I ENGAGE (oh, the horror!) – then THAT is therapeutic, too!  They are learning in the safest place possible how other people will deal with their crap.  The fact is, they won’t.  Other people will withdraw relationship.  They’ll yell back.  They might even press charges if things are really bad.  Know what?  So will mom. 

What’s different though is after the time that mom does engage and react, the kids can also learn that love restores.  Love repairs.  Love comes back together.  Respect is built over time.  Trust can be broken and when it is, it is not easily repaired.  It takes time.  Our kids need to learn how to do that, too.

Now, please know I am not saying that it isn't USUALLY best not to engage a triggered kid.  In most cases, I think it probably is best to wait to process what’s going on and to remain calm.  That way, when we do end up engaging, it is much more effective in stopping our kids in their tracks because they’re EXPECTING us to be non-reactive.  It’s almost like the old movies where the hysterical person is slapped in the face to snap them out of it.  The fact that we react sometimes is like a slap in the face to our kids.  It stops them in their tracks. 

Later, we come back together and we process it. 

As my kids get older, they are realizing I am a person, too.  I have emotions.  I have limits.  It doesn’t make me a bad mom.  It makes me a human being – and human beings are who my kids will need to deal with in this life.  They are learning their actions have consequences beyond losing privileges.  Consequences can mean hurt relationships.  It can even mean the loss of relationship.  Both kids have already experienced that consequence.  However, it doesn’t mean they need to get into a cycle of poor behavior and relationship loss throughout their lives.

I remember going into a family therapy session a of couple years back, feeling like I was a failure.  I wasn’t able to be non-reactive 100% of the time.  In fact, I came right out and told my kids they were behaving like spoiled, entitled 4-year-olds.  I said they were triggered and acting poorly.  I even yelled that I was a person too and I was sick of dealing with their crap! 

Our therapist asked how I handled things after they’d escalated.  I told her the kids and I talked later when we were all calm and I explained I was a person with feelings, too.  I told them they could not treat me like they had and expect me to roll over and take it.  I reminded them they can expect respect when they also give respect and that relationships are a two-way street.  I told the therapist we said we were sorry to one another, and that the kids even meant it when they said it!  We repaired and restored the relationship.  It was therapeutic.

Therapeutic parenting means teaching our kids how to have healthy relationships.  Healthy relationships sometimes have conflicts, but they also restore and repair.  If we teach our kids how to do that, then WE are indeed rock star therapeutic parents.

Rock on!

So What Do You Look For? A List for Recognizing Trauma & Attachment Issues

The following list of often-experienced behaviors of traumatized adopted children was developed by Dr. Arthur Becker Weidman, Ph.d.  He has studied attachment and complex trauma especially in children who were adopted after the age of 18 months.  If you are an adoptive parent and you can check off more than a few of the characteristics on this list, you may have a child with attachment and/or complex trauma issues.

1. My child acts cute or charms others to get others to do what my child wants.

2. My child often does not make eye contact when adults want to make eye contact with my child.

3. My child is overly friendly with strangers.

4. My child pushes me away or becomes stiff when I try to hug, unless my child wants something from me.

5. My child argues for long periods of time, often about ridiculous things.

6. My child has a tremendous need to have control over everything, becoming very upset if things don't go my child's way.

7. My child acts amazingly innocent, or pretends that things aren't that bad when caught doing something wrong.

8. My child does very dangerous things, ignoring that my child may be hurt.

9. My child deliberately breaks or ruins things.

10. My child doesn't seem to feel age-appropriate guilt when my child does something wrong.

11. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to other children.

12. My child seems unable to stop from doing things on impulse.

13. My child steals, or shows up with things that belong to others with unusual or suspicious reasons for how my child got these things.

14. My child demands things, instead of asking for them.

15. My child doesn't seem to learn from mistakes and misbehavior (no matter what the consequence, the child continues the behavior).

16. My child tries to get sympathy from others by telling them that I abuse, don't feed, or don't provide the basic life necessities.

17. My child "shakes off" pain when hurt, refusing to let anyone provide comfort.

18. My child likes to sneak things without permission, even though my child could have had these things if my child had asked.

19. My child lies, often about obvious or ridiculous things, or when it would have been easier to tell the truth.

20. My child is very bossy with other children and adults.

21. My child hoards or sneaks food, or has other unusual eating habits (eats paper, raw flour, package mixes, baker's chocolate, etc. )

22. My child can't keep friends for more than a week.

23. My child throws temper tantrums that last for hours.

24. My child chatters non-stop, asks repeated questions about things that make no sense, mutters, or is hard to understand when talking.

25. My child is accident-prone (gets hurt a lot), or complains a lot about every little ache and pain (needs constant band aids).

26. My child teases, hurts, or is cruel to animals.

27. My child doesn't do as well in school as my child could with even a little more effort.

28. My child has set fires, or is preoccupied with fire.

29. My child prefers to watch violent cartoons and/or TV shows or horror movie (regardless of whether or not you allow your child to do this).

30. My child was abused/neglected during the first year of life, or had several changes of primary caretaker during the first several years of life.

31. My child was in an orphanage for more than the first year of life.

32. My child was adopted after the age of eighteen months.

My own children have exhibited most every one of the behaviors listed above, including #28.  (Yes, that was a scary, scary time.)  Depending upon which of my two traumatized children we’re talking about, they continue to exhibit many of these even after being home for nearly six years.  It is exhausting for all family members and most of all for the children affected by trauma and their mama.  The behaviors that are most pervasive for my kids seem to be those that are also pervasive in other families with traumatized older adopted children.  Numbers 1-7 are pretty much a given, no matter what family I know.  Likewise, #15-19 dominate the life of many traumatized children/teens.  In fact, many of us parenting trauma have learned to EXPECT lies and demands and while we’ve learned to redirect our children, we are very weary from having to do so all the time.  Another behavior I have seen in nearly all the traumatized children/teens I know is #29.  My kids love blood, gore and violence.  They love dark stories with depraved characters, evil and black magic.  It doesn’t matter that these are things we avoid in our Christian home.  Even though they profess to be Christians themselves, they are still drawn like a moth to the flame.  It is NOT a spiritual deficiency.  It is how their brains have been wired by trauma.  It’s what makes them feel “normal” and not anxious.  Yet, it is also what makes them act out in big ways with big feelings.  They will sneak around to read books and view YouTube videos as well as watch movies we don’t allow whenever they get the chance.

Now, please understand, I am NOT saying that all adopted children exhibit all the behaviors listed.  Please remember, too, that I have parented four neuro-typical children prior to adopting my two from hurt backgrounds.  I know any child can exhibit any of these behaviors.  However, I also know neuro-typical (NT) kids don’t exhibit them on a regular basis, nor do they exhibit multiple behaviors at the same time on a regular basis.  This is NOT “normal” kid stuff.  (Most parents of traumatized kids that I know are especially tired of hearing from those not walking this road that it is.)

I am saying, however, that ALL children I know who were adopted after the age of 18 months or so do indeed deal with trauma.  They deal with attachment issues.  They may not have full-blown RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), but they struggle with attachment on some level due to trauma.  That may make a reader or two bristle, but I stick by my experience.  Getting adopted is traumatic and it does not happen without profound loss.

However, I am also not saying that adoption is a negative thing.  It is not!  It is wonderful and it is a blessing, even as it is a challenge.  I am saying you’d better make darned sure you are called to adopt before you do it.  It is HARD to knit a child to your heart who has experienced the loss that is involved in adoption.  Do not expect your child to love you back or be grateful for the time, love and things you give him or her.  Ask tough questions from people who live this life before you ever fill out an agency application.  Make sure those people are brutally honest with you.  Pray hard.  Learn more than the social workers require of you.  Read everything you can about trauma and attachment before you ever complete your home study.

If you're already an adoptive parent dealing with this kind of stuff and you need some connection with people who "get it,  let me know.  I know some people and I have some resources to share with you.  If you're anyone else, thanks for reading!  If you want to know more because you want to help a family you care about, let me know that, too.  I also have some resources to share with you.

How I Spent My March Vacation

I forgot to tell you!  I got away in March.  It was lovely – the getting away.  I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do it – just GET AWAY – just for me – not because I had to go take care of something for someone or fix a challenge – but for ME.  Since before the adoption, I cannot think of another time I got away or got to BE just for me.  I was long over due for some self-care.

It was heavenly.

Well, okay, the delayed planes and the totally screwed up flights home that the airline never bothered to tell me about and that I had to take care of on my own – not so heavenly.  Not feeling well and not getting the sleep I needed – eh, I was physically okay and caught up on sleep in a day or two.  But the getting away – the being with other mamas who walk this parenting trauma road with me – THAT was heavenly!

The Mamas (Yeah, I'm in there.) - ETAAM (now BeTA) Retreat - March 2013 - Orlando, Florida

We laughed.  We cried.  We ranted.  We ate.  We ran, or walked, or sat and cheered one another on.  We talked and talked.  We gave each other gifts.  We received the care and the understanding that so many of us trauma mamas have a hard time finding.  

We talked of times to come and changes to be made. 

Next year – March 7-10, 2014, we plan to do it again – only a bit different – but still, the same.  We plan to still get together – all of us wonderful, amazing, knowledgeable, fun, loving, smart women – and do all this and more.  It does not matter that some are from one country or another, or from the east coast or west coast, north or south, meat eater or vegan, fluffy or hard-bodied, young-ish or old-ish, liberal or conservative, single parent or co-parent, gay or straight, or what our faith or personal beliefs.  What matters is that we come together to love on one another, and “be there” for each other because we all “get it” in a way that folks not parenting a traumatized or attachment disordered child can.

Registration for next year will begin soon.  If you’ve never come to the annual retreat in Orlando, I hope you’ll join us next year at Emerald Island Resort in Orlando (Kissimmee), FL for this weekend that is all about YOU – this weekend that gives YOU a break from trauma and renews and restores YOU.  Come talk with us, laugh with us, cry with us – even pray with us if that's your thing (there are plenty of us that do!).  

I'd really like to meet you there.

Check out the Beyond Trauma and Attachment (BeTA) website at http://www.momsfindhealing.com or click HERE to check out the FAQ’s about next year’s retreat.  Registration for newbies starts on May 1^st.  Just follow the directions there to email fellow trauma mama, Rachel and let her know what kind of room you’d like, who you’d like to room with (if you know), etc.  You can also message me if you have any questions and I’ll post generalized answers here.  Otherwise, use my gmail account with the same name as the blogspot address identifier you see up there in your browser window.