Lying, and Stealing, and Tears! Oh my!

Stealing and lying are not uncommon occurrences for kids who were adopted, especially for kids adopted out of orphanages.  Oh, how shocked and upset I was the first time I “caught” my son with stolen property!  Actually, I should have had an inkling I would deal with stealing (and the lying that follows) at some point.  After all, my daughter was caught stealing a pack of gum by our missionary friend when we were shopping together during our adoption.  I’m not exactly sure why I was shocked when it happened here at home with my son, too.  I knew it was quite common for orphans (and former orphans) to steal and lie.  They had to be resourceful.  It was often a matter of life and death.  I guess I wasn’t prepared.  Our kids were home more than three years and I was gobsmacked.  I thought we were not going to have any of “those” problems.  I hadn’t caught either of them blatantly stealing something since that one day in the market during their adoption.  Then, all of a sudden, we were dealing with the theft of not just one expensive electronic device, but several.  On top of that, our son even figured out how to steal bandwidth from the neighbor by hacking into their (poorly) secured wireless internet connection.

Strangely -- and I’m not saying this happened easily, nor quickly -- I began to look at the positive in all this. 

HUH?  What’s positive about a kid stealing and then lying his BRAINS out after the fact?  Even telling “crazy lies” about the most obvious of things? 

Okay, I hear you.  Remember, I was right there!  But take a breath and think about it.  What is GOOD about a kid that knows how to steal and how to make up stories?  They certainly are resourceful!  They certainly know how to assess a situation and figure out where all the players are located at any given time and in any given scenario.  They absolutely know where the things they want to steal, as well as the things they have already stolen, are located.  No lost or misplaced items on that account!  They also know how to distract other people and how to manipulate them to their advantage.  When I thought about the skill involved in knowing how to do all these things, I started to think about how we could apply those skills to things our son could use as assets.  I don’t have a lot of time left with him.  He’s getting older.  He’s going to need a job in the not-too-distant future.

A kid that is aware of his surroundings is a good person to have around when you’re a middle-aged mom who often forgets where she put her keys or her cell phone.  A kid that always knows where the important things are located can find just about anything that’s “hidden” or “lost.”  A kid who knows how to play up a situation, or work things to an advantage, can develop the skills necessary to become a used car salesman or even a politician!  (Don’t laugh.  The world would be a vastly different place without politics and cars.)

The thing I’ve learned about my PTSD/RADish IA kids is they just don’t learn from words.  Lectures about what’s right and wrong don’t change their behavior.  Tears shed by them after being caught are much more about shame (a HUGE issue for most IA kids) and about, “dang, I got caught!” feelings, than they are about remorse.  And don’t even tell me “‘home-grown’ kids sometimes steal, too.”  (I know.  I did.  I stole a little toy from a store near my house when I was a kid.  My mom made me take it back and pay for it.  I remember it like it was yesterday.)   It’s not the same.  The motivation is different.  The aftermath is for sure different.

All internationally –adopted kids from orphanages know property is a collective commodity.  There are no personal possessions in an orphanage.  Everything belongs to everybody.  “Taking” something doesn’t mean the same thing as “stealing” it to our kids.  Additionally, because our kids had no personal property, it is hard for them to fully grasp – even years home – the concept of ownership.  Entitlement is the concept they know, and the one that builds to epic proportions once they’re home in America and have “stuff.”  Just going into Wal-mart or Target can be a completly overwhelming experience.  Put yourself in their shoes.  What is it like to go from nothing to virtually EVERYTHING?  Imagine getting by on a $30,000/year income and winning a power ball lottery.  Why are people in that situation, broke and worse off than they ever were within just a few years?

When your internationally-adopted child steals, try to stay calm.  (Don’t go ballistic like I did.)  They are going to be stressed.  You are going to be stressed.  It won’t matter if it’s a pack of gum or an iPod Touch (or two iPod Touches, computer components, and the neighbor’s internet connection).  It’s about their response to stress.  Lectures aren’t going to change the behavior.  They’re just going to become even more “resourceful” the next time.  (The chance that there will be a next time is higher than the chance this is a one-time thing.)  Shame sure isn’t going to change the behavior.  The lies will just get more elaborate.

Another thing to think about is when our kids steal, they are self-soothing.  They are taking control to meet whatever need it is they think they have, whether that need is to be the electronic king at the middle school, or a baby who needs the oral stimulation of sucking (sweet mother’s milk).  (This is a topic for another post, but my kids often ask for a piece of sucking candy or gum when they are stressed.  The sweetness and the sucking sensation are soothing to them.  They are getting something they got far too little of as babies.)

So, what do we do?  Ever work with 2-year-olds?  You do things over and over and over again. 

Our kids need matter-of-fact, natural consequences – over and over and over again.  Remember the years of abuse and neglect have wired their brains so differently than those of us raised in relatively happy homes.  If your child steals a pack of gum, think “Double-Mint.”  In other words, double it up!  Have the child pay back double for what they’ve taken.  FACE the manager at the store.  Make your child FACE the manager at the store.  Stand BEHIND your child while they do it.  Have them pay for the item.  Follow through on whatever consequences the manager sees fit to impose.  (Most managers will not/cannot accept double payment, but the double can be given to a charity that matters to the store – most all of them do something in their communities.)  This isn’t about humiliation or degrading our children.  It’s about restitution and restoration.  If your child doesn’t have money of their own because they’re too little, then show them how you are using YOUR money to pay for it – that it takes a young person, working minimum wage, to work X amount of time to earn that amount of TAKE HOME (after tax) money, and that they will need to work to replace that money for your family.  Give them a job to do at home they wouldn’t normally have to do, and let them do it for whatever amount of time is needed to earn that “take home” pay.

The lying that accompanies stealing is also a reflex and a means to the end of protecting oneself (however irrational or “crazy”).  In the orphanage, if someone got into trouble, the goal was to find the kid who could be in even more trouble.  Pointing fingers and telling stories was just what you did to get by.  It’s a way of life – even a culture – and that way of life is hard to turn around, even if your kid has been home several years.  When I moved from the Northeast to the Midwest, it was hard!  I had to change some of the things I did or said regularly -- things that were a way of life in the Mid-Atlantic, but were seen as rude and completely unacceptable in the middle of the country.  It’s really no different for my kids when it comes to dealing with what is automatic for them – to lie.  This topic deserves its own post – maybe even several posts.  For now, let’s just say when it accompanies stealing, you really need to let the lies go – at least while you’re dealing with the muck of the theft.  “Making” a child tell the truth will usually just get you an even crazier lie.  Be silent.  If you must say anything, say, “I know you’re not telling me something.  I can wait for you to tell me the rest of what really happened.”  Then wait.  Don’t badger.

There’s no simple way to wrap all this up.  Stealing and lying are hard things for a good parent.  I’ll admit quite readily that being lied to is one of my own top triggers!  Still, when you talk with your child after the heat of the moment, and you want your questions answered, try using “what” questions.  (Don’t use “why.”  They don’t know WHY.)  Ask, “What did you want?”  “What were you thinking before you got the toy?”  “What do you think we should do now?”


There are many places on the internet to read much more on this topic.  I recommend the book, Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child, which you can get from Amazon or read online at Google Books here.  Feel free to add links in the comment section below this post!

Identifying PTSD and RAD/RADish Issues:

If It Walks Like a Duck, and Quacks Like a Duck, It’s Probably a Duck!

One of my biggest frustrations for families is when parents refuse to acknowledge the fact that their adopted child has suffered trauma and has attachment issues.  Usually it’s the mother who is actively “in denial.”  The fathers I’ve talked with admit they don’t usually think about how to deal with post-adoption issues unless their partner brings it up first.  They know they get irritated and frustrated at certain behaviors, but once the situation has passed, they move on (until it happens again).  The thing is, dear parents, your adopted child (especially if he or she is an internationally-adopted child who spent time in an orphanage) has suffered trauma, and does, indeed, deal with attachment issues. 

No, not all adopted children have full-blown RAD (mine don’t) or PTSD (mine, like most IA kids, have suffered significant traumatic events – plural!).  All adopted children have suffered at least two traumatic experiences:  being separated from their biological family (even if at birth) and the process of being adopted (placed with a family they do not know and, in the case of international adoption, do not understand due to language barriers and cultural differences).  While not all adopted children will suffer from a full-blown case of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), where they are neither completely “disinhibated,” forming shallow and meaningless attachments to just about anyone who offers them a piece of candy and/or a smile, nor “inhibited,” where they avoid any real relationship with anyone for any reason, I have yet to meet one who does not have issues with attachment on some level.  The same thing goes for PTSD.  I have yet to meet any adopted child who does not respond strongly to at least one or two trauma triggers.  (What triggers a child is unique to the child.)  While there are varying degrees on the scale, our kids are on that scale! 

So what are some signs of attachment issues?  Even “experts” with multiple degrees wrestle with definitions.  Many therapists even refuse to “label” children with RAD or “RAD-ish” issues.  In my opinion, that’s a shame.  Children often miss the help they need (parents, too) when people don’t want to admit there is anything “different” about a child, and their ability to form solid relationships.   If you’re not afraid to look, here are some things that may help you identify the fact your child is dealing with attachment issues:

          Disinhibited Type:

*Being way too “cute” and charming, especially as a means to get what they want, whether it is attention or material objects/food.

*Acts like a baby/uses the “baby voice” and behaves
  inappropriately younger  than their age.

*Exaggerates about everything, especially their
 “need” to be helped.  (My daughter is a straight
 “A” student, yet cries for “help” to do homework
 she already knows how to do, for example.)

         *Easily/readily goes off with strangers and/or seeks 

            affection (i.e. hugs) from strangers.
         *Makes friends with a lot of other children (usually

 younger than themselves), but is not very close to
 any one of them.

        *Talks a lot – asks a lot of “crazy” questions (I’ll post on 

           this topic soon!)

        *Makes up stories – long, long, stories.

        *Wants just about everything they see and feels 

           “unloved” when they do not get it.
        *When they do get the item, pays attention to it for 

 only a short while and then either breaks it or 

 puts it away and ignores it/forgets about it.

Inhibited Type:

*Avoids relationships and is in a constant pull-push mode with the people trying to be close to him, such as parents.  (Gets close enough to get what he wants, then pushes away again.)

*Resists affection / stiffens when you try to hug them.

*Avoids eye contact (unless lying, then will look you straight in the eye and forcefully deny anything, even obvious things).

*Is always “on guard.”  (Whenever you want to talk with them, they get defensive and think they’re in trouble.)

*Keeps score.  Knows exactly what he “got” vs. what his brother got for birthdays, Christmas, etc.

*Has very few friends.  The friends he does have are not all that close.

*Prefers to be alone.

*Lies a lot.  “Crazy lies” about things that do not matter.  Believes own lies.

*Engages in self-soothing behaviors rather than seek comfort from parents.

Either type:

*May hoard food, trash.

          *May steal.

          *May argue about ev.ry.thing.

*May act completely different than the type they

 usually exhibit.  (For  example, my disinhibited

daughter may shut down and be surly from time

to time, while my inhibited son may act silly and

much younger than his age occasionally.)

A child whose past trauma is triggered will likely exhibit several of these signs at one time, and they may be even more exaggerated than usual.  My kids can be triggered by sights (violent TV shows, for example), smells (fried potatoes), sounds (a full laundry basket falling to the ground, a siren, a fire alarm at school, or a loud/sharp yell), and sensory feelings (a certain touch, a particular fabric, cold weather).  

My daughter, when triggered, will get even “cuter” and even more hyper-active than usual, and behave even more like a baby.  The voice will get syrupy sweet, and one of her shoulders will go up, while she bats her eyes at you.  She’ll ask a lot of silly questions, one right after the other, and will try to engage in a conversation of no importance.  

Conversely, my son will shut down or become surly (especially towards me).  He’ll retreat to his room and draw the same car he’s drawn 1000’s of times with the precision of a graphic artist.  He’ll look at me with that “if looks could kill” look and treat me as though I’m the stupidest person in the world.  

NEITHER kid knows they’re doing it when it’s happening.  It’s a reflex reaction – just like it’s a reflex reaction for you to jump if I come up behind you and yell, “SURPRISE!”  As a parent, I have to watch my own triggers, sit back, take a breath myself, and remember what’s really happening with them.  (I’ll post on this soon, too.)

Your child may show much more mild signs of past trauma and attachment issues than mine do.  I also know some of you deal with much more significant signs of PTSD and RAD, including violent reactions or complete shut downs (where it looks like your child’s soul has left his body – and actually we had that with my son, too during the first two years home).  Again, the range is broad.  Just don’t be fooled into thinking you’re not dealing with trauma and attachment issues on SOME LEVEL if you’re an adoptive parent.  Help your child deal with this.  Acknowledge their past.  Don’t be afraid to call a duck a duck.  You’ll both be better off for it.

Legacies

I’ve thought a lot about my legacy lately.  As a former graduate student of Penn State University, the news of sad problems there has not left my heart without mark.  I am most sad for the little boys whose lives were forever changed by a man that was supposed to be someone trustworthy, but was really a predator.  I am also sad for the people who have lost their jobs these last 24 hours.  Joe Paterno, one of the “greatest” coaches of all time, a man whose life has shown evidence of his care for others and his faith, has lost his job.  He said he wishes he’d done more when his former friend’s actions were exposed, and he regrets he did not.  This is not the legacy he wanted to leave, yet all the evidence of good in his life will be forever tarnished because of this.  Sandusky’s sins have affected far more many people than himself, the boys, and their families.  Sin has a far-reaching ripple effect.

My "Pop-Pop"

As I write, I am listening to a Christian radio station on my computer.  This station is several states away.  (Live streaming is such a cool thing!)  I’m listening to this particular station because my aunt happens to be on the program today.  She is a development officer for a ministry and they are working to raise funds for a local rescue mission that helps people in their community.  I may be a bit prejudiced, but she sure does sound like someone who knows her way around a radio station microphone!  My grandfather (her dad) was a well-known radio personality on the east coast in the early 1960’s.  I was singing on his radio show when I was just four years old.  Other family members made it on his shows from time-to-time as well.  I'm sure my aunt was on the radio more than once as a youngster.  When my grandfather passed away, my grandmother took over his most popular show for a while.  My grandparents also were in ministry.  Theirs was not a traditional “church” ministry, however.  They worked in rescue missions.  (I think my mom told me they even lived in a mission at one point.)  They took people into their home that had no home, even when their home was just an old, silver bullet trailer.  They were not perfect.  They smoked like fiends.  My grandfather was likely a recovering alcoholic.  But they loved God and they loved people.  My grandfather’s radio legacy continues in one of my sons, graduating soon with a degree in broadcast communications (radio concentration).  My grandparent’s legacy continues with my aunt working in ministry and with the other three of my four adult sons in ministry, or studying to go into ministry.  My grandparent’s faithfulness has a far-reaching ripple effect.

My two youngest kids have experienced horrific trauma.  Their biological parents’ legacy is one of horrific pain in their lives.  I don’t know, but I imagine their biological parents are also the product of a legacy of pain.  I know for certain they are a product of generations of deprivation and corruption.  While my kids are now safe, loved, and receive the care they need, the traumatic legacy of their biological family will forever affect them.  It will forever affect my husband and me, because we now work to heal the hurts those people caused.  Often, we also experience our children’s anger which should really be directed toward them and not us.  Their legacy also affects our kids’ therapist, their teachers, their youth ministry directors, their older brothers (my biological sons), and our friends.  My kids’ biological parents' horrific choices, even years later, have a far-reaching ripple effect.

The legacy I want to leave my children is one of strength and of grace.  I want to leave them with the emotional and social tools they need to succeed in life, to be happy, and to raise a whole family.  I want them to be thankful.  That is a challenge for children who have been through what mine have been through, but it is a challenge of hope and of thankfulness.

A game I recommend for families with older children is the Family Dinner Box of Questions.  This is a game that gets the family talking.  No one wins, but everyone wins when someone has an “ah ha” moment.  We had an “ah ha” moment recently.  I don’t remember the exact wording on the question, but roughly it was, “What is something you say a lot that you don’t really mean?”  My hurt son surprised us with his reply (actually he shocked the sugar outta me).  He admitted, “I say I wish I was never adopted, but I don’t really mean it.”  Now, if you’re a trauma mama of an internationally adopted older child, you know this is huge.  A legacy of love is beginning to develop.  It doesn’t happen overnight.  We’re home more than four years now and while we’ve heard our son say, countless times, “I wish I was never adopted,” we have only ever once heard, “I don’t really mean it.”

I think my message here, fellow trauma mama, is that our legacy matters for our kids.  Who we are with them, what we teach them, and how we are there consistently (even if not perfectly) matters.  As hard as it is to hang in there some days, it matters.  Focus on the progress and not on the problems.  Focus on the strides they’ve made.  Focus on the one time they’ve admitted they didn’t really mean it those hundreds of times they said something to hurt you. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. – Philippians 4:8