Be Still My Heart . . .

No!  Not literally!

I'm typing this raw - right into the format frame on blogger.  No first run using Word off line today.  I'm feeling pretty raw, so why not?  So what if my grammar isn't quite right or if there are a couple of typos.  I'm learning that "so what" is OKAY.  "So what" is okay when parenting traumatized kids, too.  As long as they're safe and you're safe if they're handling something in a way that seems strange or different to typical families, so what?

I leave the house in just about an hour to go see how involved my heart muscle is in all this vascular disease stuff.  I am praying it is okay, despite the blood clots we've already found in my neck and arm.  I so do not want to go through heart surgery.  I'd pass on the vein surgery coming up if I could, too.  Everyone here in the TMT family would.

Youngest son is shut down.  He can't remember exactly what's going on with me even 10 minutes after we review things -- even just the process of what today brings.  He has said he doesn't want to know.  It's okay.

The Princess ended up under her bed with the bedroom door closed again.  I sat outside her bedroom door and sang some made up little diddies about how she was safe and God was near and we were all going to be okay - that we were lucky to be in America with good doctors and good hospitals and that we had insurance and we would still have food to eat and a house to live in and we would still all have each other and everything was okay even though Mom had to do some pretty unfun stuff these next few weeks or so.  I just sat outside the door and sang.  Eventually, I felt silly and started singing the old Batman theme song and then "We three kings of orient are, puffing on a rubber cigar.  Cigar was loaded.  It exploded.  BANG! . . . We two kings of orient are . . . "  She came out to shut me up.  It's okay.

Now, I'm getting off here and slathering on some EMLA cream my family doctor gave me to help me deal with my phobia (trauma) regarding blood draws and IV sticks.  It worked well for the blood test on Tuesday.  I'm hoping it works as well for the IV.

Keep Princess and Youngest son in your prayers.  My four big guys wouldn't mind a word or two for themselves, either.  Hubby, too.